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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Endangered Rhino Just Wishes His Horn Didn’t Make People Immortal

TSUMEB, NAMIBIA—Acknowledging that, all things considered, he was “pretty happy” with his life, a local black rhinoceros told reporters Monday that if he had one wish, it would be that his distinctive horn was not capable of rendering human beings immortal. “Look, I’m not typically one for complaining, but I will admit it’s kind of a shame that my horn, when extracted from my face, ground up, and ingested, immediately cures any human illness,” said the critically endangered animal, lamenting the fact that his species’ defining facial feature remains the most potent and effective treatment for cancer, fever, arthritis, mental illness, and dozens of other diseases that afflict mankind. “I’m not blaming people for coveting my horn, given that it grants them eternal life; I’m just saying that in a perfect world I’d much prefer that my horn was just a thick protein outgrowth with no verifiable medicinal properties whatsoever.” The rhinoceros conceded, however, that his horn looked “pretty cool” when fashioned into a small knife handle.

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