adBlockCheck

Recent News

Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Endangered Rhino Just Wishes His Horn Didn’t Make People Immortal

TSUMEB, NAMIBIA—Acknowledging that, all things considered, he was “pretty happy” with his life, a local black rhinoceros told reporters Monday that if he had one wish, it would be that his distinctive horn was not capable of rendering human beings immortal. “Look, I’m not typically one for complaining, but I will admit it’s kind of a shame that my horn, when extracted from my face, ground up, and ingested, immediately cures any human illness,” said the critically endangered animal, lamenting the fact that his species’ defining facial feature remains the most potent and effective treatment for cancer, fever, arthritis, mental illness, and dozens of other diseases that afflict mankind. “I’m not blaming people for coveting my horn, given that it grants them eternal life; I’m just saying that in a perfect world I’d much prefer that my horn was just a thick protein outgrowth with no verifiable medicinal properties whatsoever.” The rhinoceros conceded, however, that his horn looked “pretty cool” when fashioned into a small knife handle.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close