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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Endangered Wildlife To Be Given New Identities In Species Protection Program

SEATTLE—In an effort to protect at-risk animals from those who might wish to do them harm, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced Friday it had launched a program that provides endangered species with new names and habitats to ensure their anonymity. “In order to safeguard the lives of innocent creatures and preserve the biodiversity of our nation’s ecosystems, our Species Protection Program creates entirely new identities for animals and relocates them to places where no predator or poacher will ever find them,” said service director Vincent Hill, who confirmed that the former California condor now goes under a pseudonym and, in fact, no longer lives in California. “For example, we just moved a whole warren of brush rabbits from their home along the Columbia River because some fur trappers took a hit out on the poor fellows. Now, as long they keep their heads down, they should be safe.” The program has already come under intense scrutiny following an incident in which a herd of woodland caribou was reportedly reassigned to live in a dolphin community in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

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