Endangered Wildlife To Be Given New Identities In Species Protection Program

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Vol 48 Issue 43

Meat Loaf Endorses Romney

Performing after the band Big & Rich at a Romney rally last night, Meat Loaf offered the candidate an unusual, rambling endorsement in which the 65-year-old rocker mentioned that he had never been involved in politics before, that the Cold War is not ...

Man Throws Money At Problem

A birthday card is discreetly passed around the office like some sort of covert CIA operation, Apple's gag division unveils the sleekest fake dog shit to date, and cactus scientists recommend drinking 8 cups of water per year.

U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

WASHINGTON—In what is certain to be regarded as a defining moment in the nation’s history, leading U.S. political figures gathered at the Capitol today to sign their names to the newly drafted Declaration of Dependence ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Endangered Wildlife To Be Given New Identities In Species Protection Program

SEATTLE—In an effort to protect at-risk animals from those who might wish to do them harm, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced Friday it had launched a program that provides endangered species with new names and habitats to ensure their anonymity. “In order to safeguard the lives of innocent creatures and preserve the biodiversity of our nation’s ecosystems, our Species Protection Program creates entirely new identities for animals and relocates them to places where no predator or poacher will ever find them,” said service director Vincent Hill, who confirmed that the former California condor now goes under a pseudonym and, in fact, no longer lives in California. “For example, we just moved a whole warren of brush rabbits from their home along the Columbia River because some fur trappers took a hit out on the poor fellows. Now, as long they keep their heads down, they should be safe.” The program has already come under intense scrutiny following an incident in which a herd of woodland caribou was reportedly reassigned to live in a dolphin community in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

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