Energetic Self-Starter Instantly Despised By Co-Workers

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Vol 35 Issue 47

Woman On TV Engulfed In Animated Credit-Card Bills

BRISTOL, TN—Officials from United Home Lenders were summoned Monday to the aid of homeowner Tanya Irving, who was sighted at 3:12 a.m. straining under the weight of cartoonish, video-animated bills with scowling faces. "We were notified that the woman's home was overrun by bills, bills, bills," said UHL president Aaron Tompkins. "Naturally, being decent people, we wanted to help." Tompkins said that Irving may even qualify for some extra cash for a vacation or home repair.

Book Given As Gift Actually Read

LONG BEACH, CA—The nation's publishing industry was rocked by Monday's news that a book given as a holiday gift was actually read and enjoyed by its recipient. According to reports, Long Beach schoolteacher Gavin Wallace completed James Gleick's Genius: The Life And Science Of Richard Feynman, a present from his cousin. "I was very interested in Dr. Feynman, after having seen a TV show on him last month," Wallace told reporters. "So, having some time to myself over the holidays, I read the book, which I enjoyed thoroughly." Wallace previously made headlines for his December 1996 consumption of the entire contents of a Hickory Farms gift basket.

Couple Always Like This

QUINCY, MA—Longtime couple Scott Pfaff and Lisa Baumgartner have pretty much always been like this, sources close to the pair revealed Monday. "This is definitely no news-flash," said mutual friend Stacie Pritkin, who recently hosted a holiday party during which the pair was at it as usual. "You hang out with those two, you learn to expect that sort of stuff." Said Pfaff's friend Marc Dohn: "I was at the mall with them once when they started getting like that—right in Radio Shack."

New Jersey Supreme Court Rules The Bastard Had It Coming

TRENTON, NJ—By a 6-1 decision Monday, the New Jersey Supreme Court overturned the murder conviction of Secaucus auto mechanic Joseph Delavecchia, ruling that the bastard he deep-sixed had it coming. "Why would you try something like that with another man's wife?" wrote Judge Frank Mancuso in his majority opinion. "I tell ya, [dead bastard] Vince[nt Pitti] got off lucky, getting knocked off so quick. I seen guys get a lot worse than two slugs to the gut for the kind of stunt he pulled." The bastard's family has vowed to appeal the decision, saying they are prepared to take it all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court if necessary, pally.

Beautiful Nurse Gives Teen Enema

HUNTINGTON, WV—A routine stay at Huntington General Hospital turned humiliating Monday, when Bradley Fiddich, 17, received an enema from shapely, smooth-skinned nurse Stephanie Goodwin, 22. "Oh, my God, I want to kill myself," said Fiddich following his degrading encounter with the attractive, single Goodwin, who rolled him over and inserted an enema tube into his anus, draining the contents of his colon. "I can never look at another girl as long as I live." Fiddich noted with alarm that while conversing with Goodwin, he learned that the nurse's younger sister is in his science class.

Another Lousy Christ-mas

How appropriate, during the season in which we celebrate the glorious nativity of our Holy Savior the Christ-Child, that I found my-self the proud papa of my own sweet little son! Giddy over the blessed arrival of N. Aeschylus, I vowed that the Zweibel clan's annual Christ-mas pageant and talent exhibition would be especially lavish. I instructed my man-servant Standish to assemble the finest entertainment in the Republic and to set up the old Nativity scene props. It would truly be a Yule to remember!

Homelessness Crackdown

In addition to New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's controversial order for arrests of the homeless, many city officials are passing legislation to address the growing problem of homelessness. What do you think about these so-called anti-homelessness laws?

We Are Not Properly Following Robert's Rules Of Order

There is a plague of indolence across our land. Time is being wasted, bad decisions are being made. This would not be such a crime if the tools to prevent it were not available in any bookstore worth its salt. I speak, of course, of Robert's Rules Of Order, the definitive handbook of parliamentary procedure, which has guided deliberative bodies worldwide since 1876.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Energetic Self-Starter Instantly Despised By Co-Workers

CHARLOTTE, NC—Timothy Benson, 27, a self-described "fast learner and motivated self-starter," showed up for his first day of work at Williams & Broderick Accounting "bright-eyed and bushy-tailed" Monday, instantly earning him the undying hatred of his new co-workers.

The sickeningly motivated Timothy Benson.

"He walks in here, and the first thing he does is hang this poster above his desk that says, 'What Can I Do To Make This Company The Best It Can Be?'" said actuary Lance Douglas, a 14-year veteran of the firm. "Then he introduces himself to everybody in the office with a big smile and a hearty handshake, and offers to take his department head out to lunch so 'we can get to know each other better.' God, I hate him."

Though Benson has not even been at Williams & Broderick a full week, he has already reorganized the company supply closet with a simple color-coding system, offered to take on some extra projects over the weekend and purchased a birthday gift for office manager Thom Heffernan's five-year-old son, guaranteeing that he will be permanently loathed by virtually everyone else at the company.

"'Oh, excuse me, Mr. Spivak, can I help you with these forms?'" mocked co-worker Ellen Carper, repeating Benson's words from earlier in the day in a high-pitched, obsequious-toady voice. "What a friggin' kiss-ass."

"I've been hauling my tired old ass into this hellishly sterile office for 22 goddamn long and miserable years, planting myself here at this same windowless cubicle and cranking out the same meaningless TXR-50 forms 'til I'm blue in the face," said associate client-services director William Richelieu, 51. "The last thing I need as I'm trying to hold on to what little of my sanity remains is some young son-of-a-bitch running around trying to increase productivity and get me to foster 'team spirit.' If he doesn't quit running to the fax machine every time it goes off, I'm going to go to his house in the middle of the night and slash his tires."

"Then we'll see who shows up 15 minutes early," Richelieu added.

Thus far, Benson has picked up several new skills outside of the bounds of his job description, teaching himself how to change toner cartridges, un-jam paper trays and replace the jugs on the office water cooler. He has sent out five separate intraoffice memos offering tips on how things could be done more efficiently, and has even brought homemade cookies for "the whole staff."

"He should get cancer," said Janice Mulroney, who two years ago, in recognition of her 20th anniversary with Williams & Broderick, received a gift certificate good for dinner for two at a local Red Lobster. "Every day I curse this hellhole."

Benson's positive, go-getter attitude has earned him not only the enmity of his coworkers, but of their family members, as well.

"My Howie has done his best in that thankless job for 17 years, and he has a very stressful position. It was bad enough before. The poor man, he would come home and have to sit in front of the TV for hours just to decompress," said Iris Petersen, wife of longtime Williams & Broderick employee Howard Petersen. "But ever since this new character showed up, he stays up nights unable to sleep, thinking about how this kid is angling for his job. We don't have a lot of savings. It's hard for a man of his age to start over in a new career. He can't digest his food, and he's been drinking more, too. I don't know who this Timothy Benson person thinks he is, but he must enjoy making a good man suffer. If you ask me, he's some sort of a monster to torment my husband this way."

Benson insists his positive, can-do approach not only benefits the company directly, but is also a great way to motivate other staff members.

"By raising the bar and doing the best job I can," Benson said, "I show my co-workers that they, too, can do their jobs better. And by setting a good example for management, I show the top brass that they can expect more out of their other employees, as well. That way, everybody wins."

Benson's co-workers agreed with his higher-expectations theory. "If that brown-nosing bastard doesn't knock it off, those greedy mothers in management are going to get the idea into their evil pea-brains that all of us should work just as hard as him," Richelieu said. "I hate him. One of these days, a couple of fellows ought to put on ski masks, corner him in the parking garage some night when he's just put in five hours overtime working late, and work the overachieving little bastard over with a couple of goddamn baseball bats."

"My ulcers were bad enough before he showed up," Richelieu added, "but that smug prick is going to drive me to the grave."

Benson, however, remains optimistic about his future at Williams & Broderick, saying he is "eagerly looking forward" to his first quarterly employee evaluation.

"The sky's the limit!" Benson said. "Look out, Williams & Broderick, there's a new kid in town! Just think: In five to ten years, who knows where I might be in this company?"

Benson is expected to burn out into suicidal depression in approximately one-fourth that time.

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