Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s

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Vol 39 Issue 43

Bunch Of Hick Nobodies Sue For Toxic-Waste Exposure

SHREWSBURY, WV—A bunch of local, piss-ant, hick nobodies filed a lawsuit against the Allegheny Electric Cooperative Monday, alleging that the company exposed residents to dangerous levels of mercury. "Just about everybody on the Kanawha [River] knows someone that's sick or died," some toothless rube told reporters. "It's all the waste they dump out the power plant. You can see it in the water, like liquid silver. We're not going to sit here and take it. No sir." According to Allegheny spokesman Thomas Gill, the bumpkins were somehow able to scrape together enough moonshine money "to get theyselves one of them fancy, big-city lawyers."

Teen Admits Parents Were Right About Fred Durst

CHICAGO—17-year-old Jeremy Kempf reluctantly acknowledged that parents Judith and Harvey were right about Limp Bizkit lead singer Fred Durst Tuesday. "I used to crank 'Nookie' full blast, and my parents would say that Fred Durst was an obnoxious loudmouth and Limp Bizkit sucked," Kempf said. "Then I got Results May Vary, and I was like, 'Oh, shit. This does suck.'" Kempf also admitted that his parents may have had valid points about the taste of Mountain Dew and his friend Tony's neck tattoo.

Undercover Agents Talking To Each Other In 'Under 12' Chatroom

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to weed out pedophiles, two FBI agents, identified only as "Cutiepie1994" and "KoalaLover," unknowingly communicated with one another in the under-12 chat room of TweenTalk.com for almost two hours Tuesday. "You should see me in my new bathing suit. It's really rad," Cutiepie wrote. "Kewl. Guess what? My parents aren't home right now," KoalaLover responded. Two minutes after their lengthy Internet conversation ended, KoalaLover unknowingly passed Cutiepie on the way into the bathroom.

Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr.

BIRMINGHAM, AL—According to Jeffrey Duncan, 43, his friend Ronald Washington "completely ripped off" his personal mantra from civil-rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. "Ron's always saying how if someone doesn't have a cause worth dying for, then that person's life isn't worth living," Duncan said Monday. "Nice try, Ron, but you can't fool me. You totally stole that whole idea from Dr. King." Duncan said he hopes King's estate "nails Ron's ass for plagiarism."

Karl Rove Ensures Republican Elected As Student Body President

McALLEN, TX—Thanks to the intervention of White House political advisor Karl Rove, McAllen East Middle School elected a Republican student body president Monday. "I'd like to give a special shout-out to Mr. Rove, for helping me beat [incumbent president] Luis Mendes," Paul Wenger said in his victory speech. "Thanks to him, I was totally able to expose Luis' idea of using candy funds to buy uniforms for needy students. As your president, I'll make sure that that money goes back into the school, where it belongs—and into the biggest pizza party that McAllen East has ever seen." Rove denied any involvement in the election.

Unrest In Iraq

Violence against American troops in Iraq surged last week, with attacks killing dozens. What do you think?

Hey, Hollywood, Lay Off The Gore!

Item! If you're like me, you're more than a little dismayed by the cinematic bloodbath at your local multiplex right now. There are chopped heads in Kill Will, and there's chopped everything in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Yuck! Far be it from me to tell Hollywood what to do, but I think they should keep their playing cards closer to their chests and not get so explicit.
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Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s

WASHINGTON, DC—Addressing shocked fellow cabinet members, Secretary of Energy Spencer Abraham said Tuesday that he had assumed everyone knew about his roles in numerous 1980s pornographic films.

Abraham said he's sure he mentioned his work in films like <i>Shacking Up</i> (inset).

"I just figured people knew about the porno," Abraham said, shrugging. "I never got any flak about it, so I didn't think it was a big deal."

A former U.S. senator from Michigan who was appointed Energy Secretary by President Bush in 2001, Abraham said he has never denied that he performed in more than 50 erotic videos between 1984 and 1987.

"It feels like I mentioned it to everyone," Abraham said. "I can't remember the specific circumstances, but I'm positive I talked about it. If some people didn't know, maybe that's because they weren't around when it was discussed. Or else they never asked about it."

"The other cabinet members are very busy," Abraham added. "We don't spend a lot of time talking about our personal lives. I just figured they felt that my previous career in skin flicks had little bearing on my vision for America's energy future."

Abraham's "mostly softcore" body of work includes such features as Maid In The Shade, Jism Quest, Butt Fuck Sluts Go Nuts Vol. 3, and Lady Chatterly's Sisters.

"I did these films well before I got into national politics," Abraham said. "All of it was nice, positive, gentle stuff—movies couples could enjoy. I didn't do any fetish stuff, nor did I do anything with underage actors. And I certainly did not do any gay for pay. I want to make that clear."

"Now," Abraham added, clapping his hands together, "who's got a question about the nation's natural-gas and petroleum markets?"

According to visibly rattled White House Chief Of Staff Andrew Card, Abraham was wrong in assuming that the Bush Administration was aware of his roles in pornographic films.

"Why would we... I mean, it's... After all, given this administration's attitude toward... How could he just assume we knew?" Card asked. "That's an incredibly intimate thing to know about somebody. I think everyone would've been very uncomfortable knowing that sort of thing. Personally, I don't know if I would've been able to speak to him without thinking about that particular information."

Abraham said he didn't expect such reactions when he mentioned his former career during an Oct. 27 cabinet meeting. The energy secretary said he told the assembled White House staffers that the vulnerability of the nation's power grid reminded him of the first time he experienced a power outage.

"Spencer mentioned how he was living in a duplex in Encino in 1984," National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice said. "He said it was terrible timing, because they were shooting that day, and he was on the verge of coming, and there was no backup generator for the camera and lights, and no air conditioning besides."

The comment puzzled cabinet members, but Abraham continued with his report. It was several days later, Rice said, when she thought to ask Abraham what he had meant by "camera and lights" and "on the verge of coming."

Abraham in a scene from his 1984 film <i>Five To Nine</i>.

"I still don't know what the big deal is," Abraham said. "I just found out last week that [Treasury Secretary] John Snow knows how to scuba dive. No one freaked out when [Commerce Secretary] Don Evans told that story about sleeping in his friend's car that night in college."

Abraham countered rumors that he had withheld details of his pornographic film roles with what he characterized as "physical proof" that he hadn't.

"If I were hiding it, why would I list it on my résumé?" Abraham said, holding up a copy of the résumé he presented to Bush's presidential transition team and to the Senate Committee on Energy and Natural Resources at his confirmation hearings in January 2001. "No one on the committee had any questions about it."

Abraham pointed to two résumé entries listed under "Miscellaneous Work Experience." The first was "Poolside Productions: production assistant, writer, occasional actor, 1984-85." The following line read "Ficus Tree Video: writer, director, performer, consultant, 1985-87."

Abraham's explanation did not satisfy Card.

"Those entries could have meant absolutely anything," Card said. "He could have been involved in making commercials, promotional videos, or even PSAs. We were supposed to look at his résumé and ask, 'Hey, Spence, aren't these long-defunct porn outfits? Were you pouring the pork in front of cameras?'"

"Incidentally," Card added, "Jism Quest hardly sounds softcore."

Abraham continued to downplay the importance of the films.

"Look, I was young, and I was broke," Abraham said. "As soon as my political career took off, I quit. The bottom line is: All of that's in the past. I think it's strange that I'm condemned for those films, but not for serving as Deputy Chief Of Staff to Dan Quayle."

"Now, I don't know about you," Abraham said, "but I'm ready to discuss the use of superconductivity technology in electricity transmission and distribution."

As of press time, it is unknown whether any other White House officials have performed in pornographic films.

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