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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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English Teacher On First Date In Ages Lets Dangling Modifier Slide

FALLS CHURCH, VA—Recalling that it was her first date since September 2005, high-school English teacher Melanie Fitzgerald thought it prudent to overlook the grammatical errors of dinner date Aaron McPherson on Monday. "I really had to bite my tongue when he said, 'After getting stuck in traffic this evening, canceling dinner plans would have been completely understandable,'" said Fitzgerald, recounting her date's response to her five-minutes-late arrival. "I kept telling myself to give him the benefit of the doubt, even after he said, 'Being nervous sometimes, I can come off a bit awkward.' " Friends of Fitzgerald have advised her to continue disregarding McPherson's poor grammar and instead focus on his character, which sounds like that of a complete asshole.

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