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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Enjoyment Of Steve Miller Band’s ‘Jungle Love’ Last Piece Of Common Ground In America

WASHINGTON—Amidst a nation eternally divided on matters relating to politics, social issues, and foreign affairs, sources confirmed Thursday that the collective enjoyment of the hit 1977 Steve Miller Band single “Jungle Love” remains the last and, at press time, only piece of common ground shared by the American populace. “While citizens nationwide have yet to reach anything approaching a consensus in regard to a vast majority of the issues ranging from education to energy solutions to health care reform, we have found—time and time again—that a mutual appreciation for the popular song ‘Jungle Love’ is the sole shared trait of all 315 million American men, women, and children,” said Pew Research Center senior director Kenneth Harding, pointing to survey evidence showing that even those Americans with sharply divergent views on nearly every subject would be able to reach a quick and emphatic agreement over the Lonnie Turner– and Greg Douglass–penned riff-based rocker. “We are fiercely, at times violently divided people. However, when it comes to ‘Jungle Love,’ the crunchy guitar riffs, tight drumming, and exuberant hook of this killer ’70s AM radio favorite are something that we can all get behind.” Harding added that, among the countless topics of fierce debate currently facing the American people, the most passionate unquestionably pertains to whether “Jet Airliner” or “Swingtown” is the second-best cut on the Book Of Dreams album.

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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