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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Enjoyment Of Steve Miller Band’s ‘Jungle Love’ Last Piece Of Common Ground In America

WASHINGTON—Amidst a nation eternally divided on matters relating to politics, social issues, and foreign affairs, sources confirmed Thursday that the collective enjoyment of the hit 1977 Steve Miller Band single “Jungle Love” remains the last and, at press time, only piece of common ground shared by the American populace. “While citizens nationwide have yet to reach anything approaching a consensus in regard to a vast majority of the issues ranging from education to energy solutions to health care reform, we have found—time and time again—that a mutual appreciation for the popular song ‘Jungle Love’ is the sole shared trait of all 315 million American men, women, and children,” said Pew Research Center senior director Kenneth Harding, pointing to survey evidence showing that even those Americans with sharply divergent views on nearly every subject would be able to reach a quick and emphatic agreement over the Lonnie Turner– and Greg Douglass–penned riff-based rocker. “We are fiercely, at times violently divided people. However, when it comes to ‘Jungle Love,’ the crunchy guitar riffs, tight drumming, and exuberant hook of this killer ’70s AM radio favorite are something that we can all get behind.” Harding added that, among the countless topics of fierce debate currently facing the American people, the most passionate unquestionably pertains to whether “Jet Airliner” or “Swingtown” is the second-best cut on the Book Of Dreams album.

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