Enormous Bra Found

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Vol 35 Issue 06

Three Boomers Feared Dead In Jenga Collapse

MARIETTA, GA—Three Baby Boomers are still missing following Friday's collapse of a massive Jenga tower in this Atlanta suburb. "[Woodstock attendee] Iris [Kelcher] seemed to take the worst of it," said Bruce Andrews, who was born 10 months after V-J Day. "But I maintain hope that she's still alive somewhere in the outlying rubble." Also unaccounted for in the Jenga collapse are Jefferson Airplane fan Kenneth Courson, 54, and former Timothy Leary follower Sylvia Voss, 53.

Creative Asterisk Makes Reader Unaware Of Word 'Fuck'

NEW YORK—A profanity-laced quote from comedian Chris Rock in the latest issue of Newsweek was successfully bowdlerized, leaving subscriber Liz Haines with no idea what was meant by the sanitized non-word "f*ck." "I'm baffled," Haines said of the creative censoring. "In the article, Mr. Rock is quoted as saying, 'To be honest, I don't give a f*ck what my critics say.' Fick? Fack? Fpck? What did he say? He could have said just about anything." This week, Newsweek will be awarded a special citation by the Center For Family-Friendly Media for ingenuity in hiding offensive words from readers.

Global-Warming Crisis Makes For Delightful Mid-February Afternoon

EDINA, MN—Impending global ecological disaster resulted in a delightful, balmy mid-February afternoon Monday. "Oooh, this is nice," said Edina resident Todd Crimmons, enjoying a 55-degree afternoon of rollerblading thanks to a rise in atmospheric carbon-dioxide levels resulting from massive overdependence on fossil fuels and the depletion of plant life. "I think I could get used to this loss of our planet's climatic integrity."

God Proclaims Raspberries 'Now Even More Berrilicious'

HEAVEN—Attempting to counter a decline in worldwide raspberry consumption, God announced Monday that starting March 1, the great taste of raspberries will be "even more berrilicious." "Get ready for a whole new taste sensation," God said. "Soon, raspberries will be bursting with so much outrageous fruity flavor, you'll want to call them 'razzle-dazzleberries.'" If raspberry consumption fails to increase, other changes are in store, including "magic color-change berries," available on bushes for a limited time next spring. "Slam that great fruity taste in your face," God urged.

Black Scarlet Returns!

Even though I ought to have been dead long ago, I must confess that I still love to sit in my counting-house, counting all my money. My riches alone take up an entire wing of my vast mansion, which is filled to the ceiling with gold bullion, silver chalices, emerald diadems, platinum candelabras, Egyptian tomb idols, enormous jars of frankincense, several Excaliburs, and a magic lamp.

Accountz Reeceevin' Ain't For No Candy-Ass Temps

Whassup, G's. Yo, check this shit out: Ever since I be testifyin' about how I be tha Stone-Cold Hardcore Mack Daddy of Midstate Office Supply, all y'all wanna be part of my Accountz Reeceevable posse. Thas cool, but if you wanna run with tha H-Dog, you gots to have skeelz, know what I'm sayin'? You gots to EXECUTE.

I Certainly Wouldn't Consider This Biotron Micronaut To Be In Near-Mint Condition

As a longtime collector of all things Micronaut, I have seen a great many things. From the ultra-rare C-10 chromium Antron figure to the complete 579-piece Micropolis Megacity, new in the box, few items have escaped my experienced Microgaze. I own at least one of every figure made, from Acroyear to Warp Racer, and my apartment has gained renown as the Galactic Command Center (Series II) of the Collector's Microverse. I have spent more than half of my 42 Earth years in the interchangeable world of the Micronauts, and you can trust me when I tell you this: That Biotron you're trying to sell me is hardly in near-mint condition.
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Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Race Relations

Enormous Bra Found

HERKIMER, NY—An enormous bra was found in the gutter near the corner of East Lester Street and Jefferson Avenue Monday. The owner of the bra is not known at this time.

The enormous bra

The off-white, 48DD Just My Size bra, with its contoured cups and reinforced six-hook back closure, was discovered at approximately 9:30 p.m. by a pair of Herkimer County Community College students.

"Me and Jeremy were coming back from the sub shop and, all of a sudden, we were like, 'Whoa—what is that in that puddle by the curb?'" Craig McCrae, 19, told reporters. "Jeremy was like, 'Holy shit, dude, I think it's some kind of humongous bra.'"

"This giant fucking bra was just laying right there in the gutter," said Jeremy Reznicki, 20, who noted that he almost stepped on it. "I was like, what the hell?"

Reznicki said he and McCrae stood staring at the bra for several minutes, encouraging passersby to "check out the giant bra," before continuing on their way home, leaving the item unmolested.

Herkimer police officials said they have few leads in the case.

"Unfortunately, at this point, we have more questions about this enormous bra than we have answers," said Sgt. Walt Sorensen of the Herkimer Police Department. "Who does this bra belong to? How did it get in the street? And what sort of breasts would necessitate the use of a brassiere of this magnitude?"

By studying the dirt and organic matter accumulated on the enormous bra, police were able to determine that it had been outdoors for at least 12 hours prior to its discovery. The bra also shows evidence of severe fabric stress, which could provide clues as to how it came to end up in the gutter.

"The bra's ruptured stitching, badly distended comfort-lined satin cups and two broken EZ-close hooks may be an indication that some sort of violent struggle took place," Sorensen said. "But, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say this damage was more likely the result of the tremendous demands placed upon it by its presumably ox-like owner over the course of many strenuous years."

Police are currently looking for leads at a Lester Avenue laundromat just four blocks away from the corner where the bra was found, as well as in a nearby residential area where pranksters may have stolen it from a clothesline before discarding it. A sketch artist has also produced a composite rendering of the bra owner's torso, which is believed to be at least 55 inches in diameter. Police have provided local media with the sketch and are urging citizenry with any information about the enormous bra to come forward.

Several local residents have already responded to the request for information.

"When I called my 8-year-old son in for lunch Sunday afternoon, he was yelling something about finding 'big boobs' in the bushes," said Eileen Dunne, who lives a block away from the spot where the bra was discovered. "Well, you know how kids are at that age, so I didn't think much about it at the time. But now I wonder if it was the enormous bra."

"I don't know if this helps," local resident Roberta Puhl told police, "but I distinctly remember my kids saying that the boy next door dared them to touch the 'big white thing,' before he picked it up with a stick and flung it at them."

If no one comes forward to claim the enormous bra in the next 30 days, it will become the property of the individuals who discovered it.

"Dude, I don't want that thing," Reznicki said. "The cops can keep it."

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