adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Enormous Bra Found

HERKIMER, NY—An enormous bra was found in the gutter near the corner of East Lester Street and Jefferson Avenue Monday. The owner of the bra is not known at this time.

The enormous bra

The off-white, 48DD Just My Size bra, with its contoured cups and reinforced six-hook back closure, was discovered at approximately 9:30 p.m. by a pair of Herkimer County Community College students.

"Me and Jeremy were coming back from the sub shop and, all of a sudden, we were like, 'Whoa—what is that in that puddle by the curb?'" Craig McCrae, 19, told reporters. "Jeremy was like, 'Holy shit, dude, I think it's some kind of humongous bra.'"

"This giant fucking bra was just laying right there in the gutter," said Jeremy Reznicki, 20, who noted that he almost stepped on it. "I was like, what the hell?"

Reznicki said he and McCrae stood staring at the bra for several minutes, encouraging passersby to "check out the giant bra," before continuing on their way home, leaving the item unmolested.

Herkimer police officials said they have few leads in the case.

"Unfortunately, at this point, we have more questions about this enormous bra than we have answers," said Sgt. Walt Sorensen of the Herkimer Police Department. "Who does this bra belong to? How did it get in the street? And what sort of breasts would necessitate the use of a brassiere of this magnitude?"

By studying the dirt and organic matter accumulated on the enormous bra, police were able to determine that it had been outdoors for at least 12 hours prior to its discovery. The bra also shows evidence of severe fabric stress, which could provide clues as to how it came to end up in the gutter.

"The bra's ruptured stitching, badly distended comfort-lined satin cups and two broken EZ-close hooks may be an indication that some sort of violent struggle took place," Sorensen said. "But, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say this damage was more likely the result of the tremendous demands placed upon it by its presumably ox-like owner over the course of many strenuous years."

Police are currently looking for leads at a Lester Avenue laundromat just four blocks away from the corner where the bra was found, as well as in a nearby residential area where pranksters may have stolen it from a clothesline before discarding it. A sketch artist has also produced a composite rendering of the bra owner's torso, which is believed to be at least 55 inches in diameter. Police have provided local media with the sketch and are urging citizenry with any information about the enormous bra to come forward.

Several local residents have already responded to the request for information.

"When I called my 8-year-old son in for lunch Sunday afternoon, he was yelling something about finding 'big boobs' in the bushes," said Eileen Dunne, who lives a block away from the spot where the bra was discovered. "Well, you know how kids are at that age, so I didn't think much about it at the time. But now I wonder if it was the enormous bra."

"I don't know if this helps," local resident Roberta Puhl told police, "but I distinctly remember my kids saying that the boy next door dared them to touch the 'big white thing,' before he picked it up with a stick and flung it at them."

If no one comes forward to claim the enormous bra in the next 30 days, it will become the property of the individuals who discovered it.

"Dude, I don't want that thing," Reznicki said. "The cops can keep it."

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close