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Enormous Bra Found

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

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FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

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CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

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Enormous Bra Found

HERKIMER, NY—An enormous bra was found in the gutter near the corner of East Lester Street and Jefferson Avenue Monday. The owner of the bra is not known at this time.

The enormous bra

The off-white, 48DD Just My Size bra, with its contoured cups and reinforced six-hook back closure, was discovered at approximately 9:30 p.m. by a pair of Herkimer County Community College students.

"Me and Jeremy were coming back from the sub shop and, all of a sudden, we were like, 'Whoa—what is that in that puddle by the curb?'" Craig McCrae, 19, told reporters. "Jeremy was like, 'Holy shit, dude, I think it's some kind of humongous bra.'"

"This giant fucking bra was just laying right there in the gutter," said Jeremy Reznicki, 20, who noted that he almost stepped on it. "I was like, what the hell?"

Reznicki said he and McCrae stood staring at the bra for several minutes, encouraging passersby to "check out the giant bra," before continuing on their way home, leaving the item unmolested.

Herkimer police officials said they have few leads in the case.

"Unfortunately, at this point, we have more questions about this enormous bra than we have answers," said Sgt. Walt Sorensen of the Herkimer Police Department. "Who does this bra belong to? How did it get in the street? And what sort of breasts would necessitate the use of a brassiere of this magnitude?"

By studying the dirt and organic matter accumulated on the enormous bra, police were able to determine that it had been outdoors for at least 12 hours prior to its discovery. The bra also shows evidence of severe fabric stress, which could provide clues as to how it came to end up in the gutter.

"The bra's ruptured stitching, badly distended comfort-lined satin cups and two broken EZ-close hooks may be an indication that some sort of violent struggle took place," Sorensen said. "But, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say this damage was more likely the result of the tremendous demands placed upon it by its presumably ox-like owner over the course of many strenuous years."

Police are currently looking for leads at a Lester Avenue laundromat just four blocks away from the corner where the bra was found, as well as in a nearby residential area where pranksters may have stolen it from a clothesline before discarding it. A sketch artist has also produced a composite rendering of the bra owner's torso, which is believed to be at least 55 inches in diameter. Police have provided local media with the sketch and are urging citizenry with any information about the enormous bra to come forward.

Several local residents have already responded to the request for information.

"When I called my 8-year-old son in for lunch Sunday afternoon, he was yelling something about finding 'big boobs' in the bushes," said Eileen Dunne, who lives a block away from the spot where the bra was discovered. "Well, you know how kids are at that age, so I didn't think much about it at the time. But now I wonder if it was the enormous bra."

"I don't know if this helps," local resident Roberta Puhl told police, "but I distinctly remember my kids saying that the boy next door dared them to touch the 'big white thing,' before he picked it up with a stick and flung it at them."

If no one comes forward to claim the enormous bra in the next 30 days, it will become the property of the individuals who discovered it.

"Dude, I don't want that thing," Reznicki said. "The cops can keep it."

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