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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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'Entertainment Weekly' Critic Lets Director Redo 'Sorority Row' For Better Grade

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Critic Kate Ward told reporters Monday that she has given director Stewart Hendler a chance to reshoot his horror-thriller Sorority Row and improve upon the "D" grade he received in her recent Entertainment Weekly review of the film. "Stewart came to my office to talk about his grade, and we discussed where he went wrong with his production," said Ward, who is often described by filmmakers as a "tough-but-fair" reviewer. "He seems to understand the problems with his use of gratuitous nudity and has promised to fix some of the larger plot holes. If he applies himself and gets Carrie Fisher to sign on again in a bigger role, he could very well get a 'C' when I average the two grades." Hendler said he will use more crosscuts in his second attempt at Sorority Row, a technique he claims helped "ass-kisser" Steven Soderbergh earn a "B" for The Informant

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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