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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Entertainment Weekly Wins Excellence-In-Caption-Pun Award

NEW YORK—The National Society of Journalists honored Entertainment Weekly Monday, giving the magazine its 1997 Excellence-In-Caption-Pun Award. The magazine was specifically cited for its June 17-23 issue, which contained the caption "Pup Fiction" under a photo of Glenn Close from 101 Dalmatians, and the caption "Sofa, So Good" under a photo of Uma Thurman resting on a couch—considered by many to be the greatest caption pun ever. "At a time when journalistic standards are on the decline, the caption puns of Entertainment Weekly remind us all what this profession is supposed to be all about," society chairperson Hal Sisson said. Entertainment Weekly is currently working on a pun involving David Duchovny and a bucket.

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