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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Enthusiasm Of 18-Year-Old First-Time Voter Completely Unbearable

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—According to sources close to high school senior Jeffrey Safran, the 18-year-old’s limitless enthusiasm for casting his first-ever vote has become completely insufferable to everyone around him. “I’m really looking forward to getting to the polls and finally letting my voice be heard,” said the immensely irritating Safran, who made friends and family want to puke every time he went on to describe his excitement for voting, not only for president, but also for numerous state officials and various local ballot initiatives. “Let’s face it, the stakes are higher than ever this time around, and it’s going to be great to have a say in the future of this country. If you think about it, these issues really impact us all.” The excruciatingly smug teenager then added he would be fully content even if his candidate of choice didn’t win because “at least [he] was able to participate in the democratic process.”

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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