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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Enthusiasm Of 18-Year-Old First-Time Voter Completely Unbearable

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—According to sources close to high school senior Jeffrey Safran, the 18-year-old’s limitless enthusiasm for casting his first-ever vote has become completely insufferable to everyone around him. “I’m really looking forward to getting to the polls and finally letting my voice be heard,” said the immensely irritating Safran, who made friends and family want to puke every time he went on to describe his excitement for voting, not only for president, but also for numerous state officials and various local ballot initiatives. “Let’s face it, the stakes are higher than ever this time around, and it’s going to be great to have a say in the future of this country. If you think about it, these issues really impact us all.” The excruciatingly smug teenager then added he would be fully content even if his candidate of choice didn’t win because “at least [he] was able to participate in the democratic process.”

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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