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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Enthusiasm Of 18-Year-Old First-Time Voter Completely Unbearable

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—According to sources close to high school senior Jeffrey Safran, the 18-year-old’s limitless enthusiasm for casting his first-ever vote has become completely insufferable to everyone around him. “I’m really looking forward to getting to the polls and finally letting my voice be heard,” said the immensely irritating Safran, who made friends and family want to puke every time he went on to describe his excitement for voting, not only for president, but also for numerous state officials and various local ballot initiatives. “Let’s face it, the stakes are higher than ever this time around, and it’s going to be great to have a say in the future of this country. If you think about it, these issues really impact us all.” The excruciatingly smug teenager then added he would be fully content even if his candidate of choice didn’t win because “at least [he] was able to participate in the democratic process.”

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

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