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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Entire Basketball Game Rendered Pointless By Last-Second Shot

YPSILANTI, MI—A thrilling seesaw battle against Akron was ruined as boorish Eastern Michigan forward Brandon Bowdry mustered the sheer gall necessary to hit a come-from-behind three-pointer at the buzzer, rendering the preceding 39 minutes and 59 seconds moot. "We bust our butts out there for two hours, get a lead, and this punk comes swooping in and hits a prayer from half-court—some nerve he has," said Akron coach Keith Dambrot, who asked that referees check the rule book three times to make sure the shot was legal. Eastern Michigan players seemed similarly upset with Bowdry, throwing their hands up in the air and shaking their heads after the shot went in. One anonymous teammate described the play as poor sportsmanship, complaining that the team had played hard and "was just about to lose fair and square." Immediately after Bowdry's shot scored, the Eastern Michigan crowd erupted in anger, booing Bowdry off the court and demanding their money back for sitting through nearly two meaningless halves of basketball.

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