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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Entire House Implicated By Phish Poster

ALBANY, NY—A large Phish poster decorating the living room of a four-bedroom apartment on Broome Street has come under fire from the apartment's three non-Phish-supporting roommates, sources revealed Tuesday. "Because of Ryan's poster, everybody who comes over here automatically assumes that I'm a big, Phish-loving hippie," resident Douglas Beckert, 20, said of the 4'x6' "Picture Of Nectar" wall hanging. "Certain posters, you can hang in a living room without people making assumptions about your lifestyle, but not this one." Beckert has advocated replacing the Phish poster with one of The Beatles or Pink Floyd.

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