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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Entire Napoleon Dynamite Plot Pieced Together Through Friends' Quotes

AUSTIN, TX—Although he has never seen the 2004 indie hit Napoleon Dynamite, Michael Osman, 23, has cobbled together its entire plot via his friends' endless quoting of the film. "Well, Napoleon's brother said, 'Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day,' and then got a visit from his Internet girlfriend," Osman said. "Then Napoleon told his Uncle Rico that he could make 120 bucks 'in like five seconds,' and went to work on a chicken farm. Then Napoleon gave Trisha a drawing, said, 'It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip,' and asked her to the dance." Osman added that he has a pretty good idea what a liger looks like.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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