adBlockCheck

Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates

Top Headlines

Politics

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates

WASHINGTON—Following the completion of three presidential debates and one vice presidential debate, a nationwide Gallup tracking poll conducted this morning has found that all registered voters in the United States now consider themselves undecided in the upcoming election.

According to the polling data, 100 percent of women, men, African-Americans, Hispanics, small business owners, LGBT voters, seniors, Tea Party activists, and members of every other category surveyed fall into the undecided camp after witnessing the candidates from both the Democratic and Republican tickets face off on national television for a total of six hours.

“Watching how these men conduct themselves in simple one-on-one exchanges made me completely unsure of what I’m going to do when I receive my ballot and have to put a check next to one of their names,” undecided Florida voter Colleen Moynihan said. “In the first debate, Obama was either being timid or arrogant or both, so I had my doubts about him. And while Romney was more confident and engaged, I honestly felt like I couldn’t trust much of anything he said.”

“Really the only thing I can say for certain is that I don’t want to hear anything else from either one of them ever again,” Moynihan added.

In addition to not knowing whether they will support President Obama or Republican challenger Mitt Romney in November, U.S. voters also could not say who they believe is stronger on any given issue, with 0 percent of those polled stating that they could tell a difference between the two candidates on foreign policy following last night’s debate.

“Of that 100 percent who are now undecided, not even one person we surveyed said they were leaning even slightly toward Obama or Romney,” said Gallup editor-in-chief Frank Newport, himself an undecided voter residing in Princeton, NJ. “And that held true across all 50 states. So this election is really anyone’s to win. Or no one’s, I guess.”

Moreover, Newport added that the more political pundits dissect the debate performances, revealing excruciating and generally unpleasant details about the “personal style” of each candidate, the more entrenched voter indecision becomes.

“The undecided vote will be critical to the president’s reelection,” said Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod, who admitted that he, too, is on the fence about who to vote for Nov. 6. “He needs to show uncommitted voters such as myself that he can stop the partisan cheerleading and seriously address our concerns.”

A follow-up poll revealed that the one thing the entire electorate had decided on was that they were absolutely not voting for third-party candidate Jill Stein.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close