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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates

WASHINGTON—Following the completion of three presidential debates and one vice presidential debate, a nationwide Gallup tracking poll conducted this morning has found that all registered voters in the United States now consider themselves undecided in the upcoming election.

According to the polling data, 100 percent of women, men, African-Americans, Hispanics, small business owners, LGBT voters, seniors, Tea Party activists, and members of every other category surveyed fall into the undecided camp after witnessing the candidates from both the Democratic and Republican tickets face off on national television for a total of six hours.

“Watching how these men conduct themselves in simple one-on-one exchanges made me completely unsure of what I’m going to do when I receive my ballot and have to put a check next to one of their names,” undecided Florida voter Colleen Moynihan said. “In the first debate, Obama was either being timid or arrogant or both, so I had my doubts about him. And while Romney was more confident and engaged, I honestly felt like I couldn’t trust much of anything he said.”

“Really the only thing I can say for certain is that I don’t want to hear anything else from either one of them ever again,” Moynihan added.

In addition to not knowing whether they will support President Obama or Republican challenger Mitt Romney in November, U.S. voters also could not say who they believe is stronger on any given issue, with 0 percent of those polled stating that they could tell a difference between the two candidates on foreign policy following last night’s debate.

“Of that 100 percent who are now undecided, not even one person we surveyed said they were leaning even slightly toward Obama or Romney,” said Gallup editor-in-chief Frank Newport, himself an undecided voter residing in Princeton, NJ. “And that held true across all 50 states. So this election is really anyone’s to win. Or no one’s, I guess.”

Moreover, Newport added that the more political pundits dissect the debate performances, revealing excruciating and generally unpleasant details about the “personal style” of each candidate, the more entrenched voter indecision becomes.

“The undecided vote will be critical to the president’s reelection,” said Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod, who admitted that he, too, is on the fence about who to vote for Nov. 6. “He needs to show uncommitted voters such as myself that he can stop the partisan cheerleading and seriously address our concerns.”

A follow-up poll revealed that the one thing the entire electorate had decided on was that they were absolutely not voting for third-party candidate Jill Stein.

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