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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Entire Nation Picks Same Bracket

WASHINGTON—Citizens across the United States have selected the exact same teams to win every single game of the NCAA Tournament, handing in millions of completely identical brackets, college-basketball-pool organizers reported Thursday. "Usually the brackets are fairly similar overall, but there was always at least one person in the country who had slightly different picks," said Kevin Murphy, who coordinated an NCAA Tournament pool for his office. "It must be this particular field of teams that has everybody in absolute agreement. You'd think people would select a favorite team here and there, but they all seem really determined to base their picks on logic. It's not going to be much fun dividing up the prize money equally." According to recent statistical analysis, everyone in the nation picked a losing bracket.

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