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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Entire Nation Pitches In To Save Yosemite

'C'mon, Gang! This Is Our Park'

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—With a can-do spirit and repeated chants of “Let’s save America’s park!” folks from every corner of this great nation packed a bag, hopped on a plane, and joined together in a race against time Tuesday to rescue Yosemite from record-setting wildfires, sources confirmed. “We’ve only got one Yosemite, guys! Let’s do this!” said Toledo-area volunteer Jacob Sloan, 58, echoing the sentiments of all 316 million Americans, people from every race, creed, and color who put their differences aside and came together as one to douse the fire with buckets of water, their faces covered in ash and their eyes full of hope. “This bucket’s for the mountain lions, and this one’s for the bighorn sheep. And this one? This one’s for one of the most glorious, most beautiful creations on God’s green earth, Yosemite! Put your backs into it, friends! She’s a miracle worth fighting for!” At press time, the fire was out and a true national treasure had been saved.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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