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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Entire Nation Pitches In To Save Yosemite

'C'mon, Gang! This Is Our Park'

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—With a can-do spirit and repeated chants of “Let’s save America’s park!” folks from every corner of this great nation packed a bag, hopped on a plane, and joined together in a race against time Tuesday to rescue Yosemite from record-setting wildfires, sources confirmed. “We’ve only got one Yosemite, guys! Let’s do this!” said Toledo-area volunteer Jacob Sloan, 58, echoing the sentiments of all 316 million Americans, people from every race, creed, and color who put their differences aside and came together as one to douse the fire with buckets of water, their faces covered in ash and their eyes full of hope. “This bucket’s for the mountain lions, and this one’s for the bighorn sheep. And this one? This one’s for one of the most glorious, most beautiful creations on God’s green earth, Yosemite! Put your backs into it, friends! She’s a miracle worth fighting for!” At press time, the fire was out and a true national treasure had been saved.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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