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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Entire Nation Pitches In To Save Yosemite

'C'mon, Gang! This Is Our Park'

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—With a can-do spirit and repeated chants of “Let’s save America’s park!” folks from every corner of this great nation packed a bag, hopped on a plane, and joined together in a race against time Tuesday to rescue Yosemite from record-setting wildfires, sources confirmed. “We’ve only got one Yosemite, guys! Let’s do this!” said Toledo-area volunteer Jacob Sloan, 58, echoing the sentiments of all 316 million Americans, people from every race, creed, and color who put their differences aside and came together as one to douse the fire with buckets of water, their faces covered in ash and their eyes full of hope. “This bucket’s for the mountain lions, and this one’s for the bighorn sheep. And this one? This one’s for one of the most glorious, most beautiful creations on God’s green earth, Yosemite! Put your backs into it, friends! She’s a miracle worth fighting for!” At press time, the fire was out and a true national treasure had been saved.

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