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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Entire Office Clamoring To Be Introduced To Coworker's Parents

CHANDLER, AZ—Nearly uncontrollable with excitement upon learning that coworker Drew Nieman’s parents were visiting, employees at local analytics firm Marvell Technology eagerly jockeyed for a chance to meet the 60-year-old couple, sources confirmed Friday. “I want to talk to them first!” said Isabel Strause, 29, adding that she “truly, deeply hoped” Nieman would introduce each of his coworkers by name, briefly summarize their role in the office, and make them say hello to his mother and father individually. “There’s so much I can’t wait to say to them. I can ask how their trip was, where they’re staying—oh, and I can tell them I enjoy working with their son! I’m just so giddy right now. This is such a welcome and wonderful distraction from the actual work I ought to be doing.” Coworkers later confirmed that in return for generously introducing everyone to his parents, Nieman more than deserved to take off early and show them around town.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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