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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Entire Office Clamoring To Be Introduced To Coworker's Parents

CHANDLER, AZ—Nearly uncontrollable with excitement upon learning that coworker Drew Nieman’s parents were visiting, employees at local analytics firm Marvell Technology eagerly jockeyed for a chance to meet the 60-year-old couple, sources confirmed Friday. “I want to talk to them first!” said Isabel Strause, 29, adding that she “truly, deeply hoped” Nieman would introduce each of his coworkers by name, briefly summarize their role in the office, and make them say hello to his mother and father individually. “There’s so much I can’t wait to say to them. I can ask how their trip was, where they’re staying—oh, and I can tell them I enjoy working with their son! I’m just so giddy right now. This is such a welcome and wonderful distraction from the actual work I ought to be doing.” Coworkers later confirmed that in return for generously introducing everyone to his parents, Nieman more than deserved to take off early and show them around town.

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