Entire Precinct Made Up Of Loose Cannons

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

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FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Entire Precinct Made Up Of Loose Cannons

LOS ANGELES—Thirty-four lone-wolf detectives and beat officers from Los Angeles' 77th Police Precinct received unpaid three-month suspensions Monday for unprofessional and insubordinate conduct that their chief said he's tolerated for the "last goddamn time."

Detective Roger "Apeshit" McAdams is one of the 34 loose cannons, screwballs, head cases, and real grade-A hard-asses recently suspended from active duty at Los Angeles' 77th Precinct.

The police officers have been subjected to scathing public criticism over the years for their tendency to play by their own rules, which include refusing to obtain warrants, beating up junkies to extract information, and hurling corrupt city officials through plate-glass windows on more than 60 occasions.

"I called those sons of bitches into my office one by one and made them hand over their badges and guns," Los Angeles Police Department chief William J. Bratton said. "I know deep down that McCluskey's a good man, but he needs to shape up or ship out. Same goes for Conroy, McAdams, Peterman, Black, Grimwald, Tobias, Keating, and McAllister."

"Also Cobb, Williams, Miller, Sanchez, Rutgers, Grodinger, Spencer, Smith, Anderson, Garcia, Walker, Thompson, Nelson, Collins, Ellroy, Morris, Coleman, Gibson, Payne, Matthews, Gonzalez, Jacobs, Hoffman, Walters, and Hopkins," Bratton added.

Although the precinct has boasted a 100 percent arrest rate since 1988, fewer than 2 percent of the indicted offenders have gone to trial, since the vast majority of drug dealers, child molesters, and serial killers investigated by the 77th Precinct have died or disappeared before their court dates. The 34 officers have caused an estimated $98 million in property damage over two decades, and the LAPD has reportedly received 1,239 citizen complaints about their conduct this summer alone. In addition, each of the suspended officers has suffered nonfatal bullet wounds to the left shoulder.

Despite their many infractions, precinct commander Thomas Henderson defended the officers as "the best damn men on the whole force."

Detective Sonny "Mad Dog" Grodinger

"I don't always necessarily agree with their cockeyed methods, but, I've got to admit, they get results," Henderson said. "And they save the department thousands in chair costs by sitting on the corners of their desks."

The suspensions leave the 77th Precinct virtually depleted of staff. The shortage is compounded by the recent tragic loss of the 34 suspended officers' partners, who were reportedly gunned down in warehouses across the city while doing something brave.

According to internal affairs investigator Lee Birk, the officers have not filed a single police report in 10 years, routinely shoot out the tires of double-parked cars, and have punched out 232 paid police informants who, they later explained, made them "want to puke."

"They destroyed every single squad car and helicopter in the department and ruined the annual policeman's ball more than once," Birk said. "If they didn't prevent the terrorists from blowing up City Hall, they would have all been out on their collective asses."

The officers' darkest moment reportedly came in November 1992, when they shot and killed three dozen children who darted out of a dark alley holding toy guns. Following the incident, Henderson traveled to the San Pedro, CA marina where all 34 officers docked their houseboats. He found them passed out with bottles of Wild Turkey in their left hands and .44-caliber Magnum handguns in their right.

"I dragged every one of those sorry bastards into the shower myself, brewed 28 gallons of coffee, and made them drink it. By the time I was done, it was 3 a.m. and I was completely exhausted, but I got them back on the right track," Henderson said.

City Council candidate Bernard Lawry angrily condemned the rogue officers during a speech at a fundraiser at the Getty Center Monday evening.

"These men are a scourge on our society, and there is no place for this kind of behavior," Lawry said.

Seconds later, the suspended detectives burst into the room, exposed Lawry as the ringleader of an underground child prostitution ring, and escorted him to an awaiting police van in 34 pairs of handcuffs.

For their role in apprehending Lawry, Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa rewarded the officers with a mass promotion to police lieutenant. But in the ceremony at City Hall Tuesday, the officers all turned down their promotions by simultaneously throwing their lieutenant's bars to the ground.

"Get that damn thing out of my face," Detective Bruce Walker said as he and his 33 colleagues shoved TV news cameras out of their way. "I've got work to do."

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