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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Entire Republican National Convention Stunned As Ann Romney Asks For Divorce

TAMPA, FL—Ann Romney shocked the crowd at the Tampa Bay Times Forum into silence Tuesday, announcing during her remarks to the Republican National Convention that she plans to divorce her husband of 43 years, whom the party had just nominated for president of the United States. “Good evening and welcome! I want to use this opportunity to talk about my husband Mitt and ask him for a divorce,” said Romney, who sources confirmed received two seconds of applause before the audience processed what she had actually said. “Mitt Romney is fiscally strong, he has a great vision for this country’s future, and I’m requesting a very substantial figure in alimony. I strongly feel this is what’s best, both for me and for our family, and my decision is final. If he wants to discuss the matter further he can contact my attorney.” Following the speech, a beaming Mitt Romney reportedly walked across the stage, took the microphone from Ann, and asked the crowd, “Wasn’t she great, everybody?” to continued silence.

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