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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Entire Republican National Convention Stunned As Ann Romney Asks For Divorce

TAMPA, FL—Ann Romney shocked the crowd at the Tampa Bay Times Forum into silence Tuesday, announcing during her remarks to the Republican National Convention that she plans to divorce her husband of 43 years, whom the party had just nominated for president of the United States. “Good evening and welcome! I want to use this opportunity to talk about my husband Mitt and ask him for a divorce,” said Romney, who sources confirmed received two seconds of applause before the audience processed what she had actually said. “Mitt Romney is fiscally strong, he has a great vision for this country’s future, and I’m requesting a very substantial figure in alimony. I strongly feel this is what’s best, both for me and for our family, and my decision is final. If he wants to discuss the matter further he can contact my attorney.” Following the speech, a beaming Mitt Romney reportedly walked across the stage, took the microphone from Ann, and asked the crowd, “Wasn’t she great, everybody?” to continued silence.

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