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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Entire Republican National Convention Stunned As Ann Romney Asks For Divorce

TAMPA, FL—Ann Romney shocked the crowd at the Tampa Bay Times Forum into silence Tuesday, announcing during her remarks to the Republican National Convention that she plans to divorce her husband of 43 years, whom the party had just nominated for president of the United States. “Good evening and welcome! I want to use this opportunity to talk about my husband Mitt and ask him for a divorce,” said Romney, who sources confirmed received two seconds of applause before the audience processed what she had actually said. “Mitt Romney is fiscally strong, he has a great vision for this country’s future, and I’m requesting a very substantial figure in alimony. I strongly feel this is what’s best, both for me and for our family, and my decision is final. If he wants to discuss the matter further he can contact my attorney.” Following the speech, a beaming Mitt Romney reportedly walked across the stage, took the microphone from Ann, and asked the crowd, “Wasn’t she great, everybody?” to continued silence.

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