Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Entire Shopping Mall Quietly Dreading Whatever Empty Stage Set Up For

ROCHESTER, NY—Rushing to finish their errands and leave the premises as quickly as possible, every patron at the Eastview Mall reported Thursday that they were quietly dreading whatever has been planned for the empty stage erected near the south entrance of the shopping center. “Oh, Christ, why the hell do they need three microphones?” said shopper Dalia Adams, 38, who nervously added that she had spotted a small child in a sequined top hat lurking near the stage. “I don’t even want to know what they plan to do with that huge PA system. And it looks like there’s a lot of room up there for people—maybe a bunch of people—to dance around. If it’s some kind of swing dancing thing, we gotta get out of here right now.” At press time, nearly 2,000 shoppers simultaneously cursed under their breath and headed for the nearest available exit just as a sound check began.

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