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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Environmental Ad Campaign Encourages Turning Shower Off After Showering

WASHINGTON—The Environmental Protection Agency launched a major new ad campaign Monday encouraging people to conserve resources by turning off their showers when they’re not showering. “We estimate that Americans waste up to 20 billion gallons of water each week by leaving their bathrooms with the shower still on, heading off to a full day’s work followed by a full night’s sleep, and then waking up the next morning to step into an already running shower,” administrator Lisa P. Jackson said of the EPA’s advertising effort, which includes TV spots that touts the benefits of turning showers off, such as not having a steamed-over bathroom mirror and not running out of hot water. “Nobody likes the inconvenience of having to manipulate a faucet first thing in the morning, of course, but we want to show people how the pluses of not leaving the water running all the time really can outweigh the negatives.” If the ads are a success, the EPA plans to launch a follow-up campaign in the spring urging people to conserve fuel by turning off their car engines when they return home for the night.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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