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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Enzyme Humbled To Have Played Part In Successful Biochemical Reaction

BOSTON—Calling itself “just a catalyst, nothing more,” humbled enzyme α-amylase confirmed Monday that while its contributions to a recent biochemical reaction significantly sped up the breakdown of starch into maltose, the formation of the disaccharide was, overall, a team effort. “All I did was lower the activation energy required for the reaction to take place, but if I don’t have an amazing substrate like starch to act upon, there is no reaction, period,” said the modest catabolic enzyme, adding that it’s easy to forget about the calcium ion, chloride ion, and the 496 amino-acid residues that all need to come together to make this biomolecule possible. “Say the pH isn’t slightly acidic, or say there is just one less carbon atom. Are we left with a simple sugar that can be used as an immediate energy source? Absolutely not. You need teamwork for that, and thankfully, that’s what we had today.” The reserved molecule added that, when it comes down to it, every atomic particle down to the very last electron owes the successful creation of maltose to a working pancreas.

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