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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Enzyme Humbled To Have Played Part In Successful Biochemical Reaction

BOSTON—Calling itself “just a catalyst, nothing more,” humbled enzyme α-amylase confirmed Monday that while its contributions to a recent biochemical reaction significantly sped up the breakdown of starch into maltose, the formation of the disaccharide was, overall, a team effort. “All I did was lower the activation energy required for the reaction to take place, but if I don’t have an amazing substrate like starch to act upon, there is no reaction, period,” said the modest catabolic enzyme, adding that it’s easy to forget about the calcium ion, chloride ion, and the 496 amino-acid residues that all need to come together to make this biomolecule possible. “Say the pH isn’t slightly acidic, or say there is just one less carbon atom. Are we left with a simple sugar that can be used as an immediate energy source? Absolutely not. You need teamwork for that, and thankfully, that’s what we had today.” The reserved molecule added that, when it comes down to it, every atomic particle down to the very last electron owes the successful creation of maltose to a working pancreas.

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