adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

EPA: Recycling Eliminated More Than 50 Million Tons Of Guilt In '96

WASHINGTON, DC—According to an Environmental Protection Agency report released Monday, nationwide recycling efforts eliminated more than 50 million tons of guilt in 1996. The figure represents the greatest reduction in consumption-related guilt among the American populace in over a decade.

"Thanks to community-based recycling programs across America, landfill waste was reduced by some 70,000 pounds—or .00004 percent—last year," EPA administrator Carol Browner said. "But even more important, Americans themselves experienced a whopping 47 percent drop in guilt."

Added Browner: "Just ask anyone who's ever thrown a Snapple bottle into a special glass-only receptacle during their lunch break and felt good about it the rest of the day—recycling works."

As recently as 1990, the U.S. consumed 88 percent of the world's resources and felt 87 percent of its guilt. But by 1995, even though the nation's share of the world's consumption actually rose to 90 percent, through the institution of mandatory recycling programs, America's share of global guilt plummeted to 41 percent.

"I used to feel terrible when I threw out perfectly good things, like a working toaster or TV," said Francine Dahl of Lawrence, KS. "But now that I recycle a little bit, I could throw out a whole couch and not feel guilty at all."

According to leading environmental experts, recycling is not the only thing Americans are doing to assuage their guilt.

"People are doing lots of things to make themselves feel better about their fervent participation in our mass consumer culture," said University of Texas environmental studies professor Arthur Boykin. "They're supporting companies whose products have pictures of globes on them. They're buying greeting cards printed on grayish, non-glossy paper that appears to be recycled. They're wearing T-shirts with pictures of endangered species on them. They're eating at rainforest-themed restaurants. The list goes on and on."

Others are taking an even more active role. "We've printed and distributed over four million pamphlets to raise awareness about the importance of recycling," said Lori Herbst, founder of San Francisco's RecycleUSA! "I can't believe how successful the pamphlets have been. The city's drains are literally clogged with them."

According to EPA spokesperson Patrick Toomer, while most Americans are "doing a tremendous job recycling," there remain many ways citizens can reduce their guilt even further.

According to the EPA, curbside recycling programs have proven extremely effective in reducing Americans' guilt over their role as a part of the most materialistic culture in human history.

"A ceramic, reusable mug is the most environmentally sound choice for coffee drinkers," Toomer said. "But a mug only makes you feel good once—at that moment when you first buy it. On the other hand, using a new disposable cup made from recycled materials every single day will make you feel like you're doing your part to help the environment every single day."

"You might also want to think about increasing your use of substances that are devastating to the environment, such as freon, plutonium and battery acid," Toomer continued. "That way, you can enjoy an enormous feeling of social responsibility when you dispose of them properly in special, brightly colored containment units that say 'Eco-Safe' on them."

Of course, with worldwide consumption of non-renewable resources at an all-time high, the world will still undergo total environmental collapse by 2065. "But with careful planning," Toomer said, "guilt levels should remain low right up until then, long after the baby boomers are dead."

America's citizens are not the only ones working to reduce waste: Corporate America is also doing its part. "People were concerned about the paper boxes we serve our burgers in, especially since most people throw them away right in the store within two minutes of use," McDonald's public relations director Geoff Hanley said. "But now that we print up pamphlets explaining our rainforest policy, people feel much better."

Such eco-sensitive thinking is not only good for the conscience; it's good for business.

"Five years ago, my toilet-tissue products were suffering losses in the millions," said Frank Costello, CEO of PulpCo, Inc. "But ever since we put a tree on our package and a banner reading, 'Made From At Least Five Percent Recycled Post-Consumer Waste,' our sales have gone through the roof. We can barely cut down trees fast enough to meet the demand. I guess the bottom line is, for me, recycling is all about green."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close