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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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EPA Study: Rivers Shouldn't Smell Like Shit

WASHINGTON—A study released Monday by the Environmental Protection Agency concluded that rivers should never smell like shit, noting that when naturally occurring waterways do reek of fecal matter there is "more than likely something wrong with them." "Starting from the base definition that a river is a free-flowing body of fresh water, we concluded that a shit-smelling river basically runs contradictory to that," EPA administrator Lisa P. Jackson said. "It doesn't matter if a river stinks of human shit, animal shit, or sewage shit, 99.9 percent of the time a river should not make individuals cover their nose and mouth because of an overwhelming shit smell." The study also concluded that rivers probably shouldn't have abandoned tires in them.

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