Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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EPA Unveils Plan To Improve Conditions For Nation’s Sludge

WASHINGTON—In an effort to reverse the adverse effects caused by years of neglect, the Environmental Protection Agency unveiled a plan Friday to drastically improve conditions for the nation’s sludge. “Our new set of stewardship initiatives will ensure the speedy restoration of sludge in ecosystems all across the country,” said EPA administrator Scott Pruitt, explaining that the public and private sectors would collaborate on the massive, nationwide undertaking in urban and rural areas to set aside rivers, lakes, and ditches where the fetid, virulent slurry can spread out and roam free. “Whether it’s the byproduct of sewage treatment, petroleum refining, or common industrial runoff, we are committed to a long-term conservation effort to provide sanctuaries for sludge of all kinds while also putting controls in place for sludge to continue flourishing unharmed. Our nation’s precious sludge is some of the best in the world, and it’s up to us to keep it that way.” Pruitt went on to say that the preservation of the country’s sludge will require the active participation of all Americans, and he was more than confident that they would rise to the occasion.

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