EPA Warns Americans Not To Breathe

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Vol 49 Issue 19

Dog Owners Have Healthier Hearts

The American Heart Association officially announced that people who owned pets, particularly dogs, appeared to have a reduced risk of heart disease and had better survival rates than those without pets.

New to the market!

Lovely two-bedroom, one-bath condo, carefully renovated to retain the intoxicating scent of previous tenant Lisa.

Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk

ETNA, PA—Moments after watching him finish his fifth alcoholic beverage at the Crow’s Nest Bar and Grill Thursday night, sources reported local man Chris Serna, 32, had completed the task of getting drunk with a high degree of efficiency and s...
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EPA Warns Americans Not To Breathe

WASHINGTON—In an urgent message broadcast on every U.S. television network, Environmental Protection Agency officials announced Wednesday that Americans should avoid breathing at all costs. “Effective immediately, we are strongly advising all members of the U.S. populace to cease normal respiratory activity,” said acting EPA administrator Bob Perciasepe during an impromptu press conference held in the agency’s underground bunker. “If you absolutely must inhale, do so at once and really make it count. As a general rule, contact with the earth’s atmosphere is strongly discouraged.” At press time, Perciasepe reminded Americans to prevent injuries by lying down before entering a state of unconsciousness.

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