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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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EPA Warns Americans Not To Breathe

WASHINGTON—In an urgent message broadcast on every U.S. television network, Environmental Protection Agency officials announced Wednesday that Americans should avoid breathing at all costs. “Effective immediately, we are strongly advising all members of the U.S. populace to cease normal respiratory activity,” said acting EPA administrator Bob Perciasepe during an impromptu press conference held in the agency’s underground bunker. “If you absolutely must inhale, do so at once and really make it count. As a general rule, contact with the earth’s atmosphere is strongly discouraged.” At press time, Perciasepe reminded Americans to prevent injuries by lying down before entering a state of unconsciousness.

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