Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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EPA Warns Of Dangerous Levels Of Romance In Air

WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to a dramatic increase in cases of starry-eyed gazing and spontaneous poetry, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a general health warning Tuesday for hazardous levels of atmospheric romance across the entire North American continent.

A young pair afflicted by its devastating effects.

"Early indications of romantic exposure include a flushing of the skin around the face, neck, and chest, accelerated heartbeat, rapid eyelash batting, and sighs," EPA administrator Steven Johnson said at a morning press conference. "Left untreated, the ailment progresses rapidly, leading to aimless strolls, floral purchases, and a form of acute and regressive aphasia in which the victim's speech degenerates into that of a young child."

According to Johnson, teens, recently married couples, and people who have not yet had all of the hope drained out of them by bitter life experience are at the greatest risk.

"We recommend that members of high-risk groups minimize their exposure by staying indoors, covering up, and avoiding old flames, which can react with even trace elements of sexual chemistry to ignite free-floating passions," Johnson said. "Those living in scenic parts of the country are at an especially high risk, and are strongly urged to avoid dazzling sunsets, mountain vistas, fields of wildflowers, and sun-dappled lakes."

A computer-enhanced image of the high concentrations of romance in the atmosphere over North America.

In an attempt to control the spread of romance, police and sheriff's departments across the country have blockaded intimate bed and breakfasts, ivy-covered inns, and five-star restaurants.

To stem further contamination, hundreds of municipal-park swans have been shot.

Epidemiological studies have found that individuals in picturesque surroundings are eight times more likely to suffer sudden swoonings, sweepings-off of the feet, and, in some extreme cases, prolonged confinement to bed with other romance sufferers.

Those who consider themselves immune to heightened romance levels should take precautions, as well.

"Jaded urbanites and self-styled 'commitment-phobes' should evacuate the continent if possible, as this group is especially susceptible to ill-advised rebound-type pairings and impulsive phone calls and e-mails that they are likely to later regret," Johnson said.

A Los Angeles police officer disposes of hazardous, romantic waste.

If romance levels cannot be stabilized, experts are not ruling out the possibility of an "airborne erotic event"—a massive nationwide outbreak of lovesickness.

"This type of sickness comes from ground-level xoxozone, which occasionally causes distortion to the lower frequencies of the visual field, or 'rose tinting,'" Hallmark scientist Dr. Susan McMurrough said. "It is nearly impossible to detect, as it is generally odorless and colorless. However, in high concentrations, it has an odor like that of Wind Song bath splash."

"Despite centuries of desperate, impassioned research, modern science has found no cure for the periodic springtime scourge commonly known as romance," McMurrough said. "Only three years ago, we were able to isolate an xoxozone sample, but it was lost when all of our scientists abandoned their research duties and eloped."


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