EPA Warns Of Rise In Global Heartwarming

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Vol 34 Issue 13

Fox News Channel Adds Laugh Track

LOS ANGELES–Seeking to distinguish itself in the highly competitive arena of TV news, Fox News Channel added a laugh track to its broadcast Monday. "We found that viewers responded better to footage of flood-ravaged Texans and the mutilated bodies of ethnic Albanians when accompanied by canned laughter," network president Allen Rudd said. "This really seems to help viewers better digest and enjoy the oft-difficult content." Depending on the success of the experiment, titillating whoops and "whoahs" will be added to stories concerning the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal.

Scott Bakula Turns 43, Newspaper Reports

JACKSONVILLE, FL–According to a report in Monday's Jacksonville Times-Union, former Quantum Leap star Scott Bakula has turned 43. "Scott Bakula.... 43" read the report, which appeared in the newspaper's "Lifestyle" section. The story went on to note that Lou Rawls, Penny Marshall, Kate Jackson and Bruce Jenner also had birthdays Monday. Times-Union editor Pat Krause refused to reveal his newspaper's source for the story.

Area Units Really Moving

GALVESTON, TX–Units are really moving at ABC Appliance Warehouse, assistant manager Ralph Hutchins reported Tuesday. "We moved about 300 units today, with almost 75 units moving between 9 and 10 a.m. alone," Hutchins said. "That's a hell of a lot of units to move off the shelves in just one day." If demand for units continues at its current pace, Hutchins said they might have to go on back-order. "We've had to limit people to one unit a piece as it is," he said.

Local Gym Teacher Loves Forcing Children To Dance

HUTCHINSON, KS–Coach Milt Brundage, physical-education teacher at Hutchinson Middle School, derives pleasure from forcing pre-adolescents to dance on command, it was revealed Monday. "Oh, to make the children dance," the 58-year-old Brundage said. "To play 'Alley Cat' for hours on end, sternly admonishing those who fall behind so that they must speed themselves, it is my greatest joy in life." Brundage has warned students in his second-period gym class that he will extend their social-dance unit another two weeks if they do not begin to show an acceptable level of enthusiasm. "Dance! Dance for my amusement!" he told the gawky, forlorn seventh-graders.

Starr Taunts Clinton With Humiliating 'Sittin' In A Tree' Song

WASHINGTON, DC–In his latest salvo against the president, Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr publicly taunted Bill Clinton Tuesday with the humiliating "sittin' in a tree" song. "Bill and Monica / Sittin' in a tree / K-I-S-S-I-N-G," Starr sang to reporters at a Washington Hilton press conference. "First comes love / Then comes marriage / Then comes Bill with the baby carriage." Upon completion of the song's first verse, Starr abruptly ended the press conference. Spokespersons for Starr said he has not ruled out the possibility of singing the "wetting his pants / hula-hula dance" verse–widely considered the most devastating of the entire song–at a later date.

Hollywood Eating Disorders

Helen Hunt, Courteney Cox and Ally McBeal's Calista Flockhart are among a wave of actresses recently rumored to have eating disorders. What do you think about extreme thinness in Hollywood?

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

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EPA Warns Of Rise In Global Heartwarming

WASHINGTON, DC–A report released Monday by the EPA warns that the threat of global heartwarming looms larger than previously suspected, with disaster awaiting if the mass-production of artificial, touching sentiment is allowed to continue unchecked.

Unchecked Spread Of Touching Sentiment May Spell Disaster

According to the report, the unregulated release of Disney videos, the saturation of airwaves with Family Channel broadcasts, and the contamination of millions of homes with Princess Di collector plates, Precious Moments figurines and other sentimental pollutants have created a crisis situation in the Earth's pathosphere.

Environmental experts warn that these toxins–which include ceramic kitten figurines, Celine Dion CDs, Mary Engelbreit greeting cards, Chicken Soup For The Soul books, and television programs like Touched By An Angel–are causing dramatic increases in the level of dangerous chlorofeelgoodcarbons in the air and are poisoning water tables with polyphenolsaccharides.

The U.S. entertainment industry has been singled out as the top culprit, responsible for nearly 70 percent of planetary heartstring-pulling. Among the U.S. companies listed on the EPA's "dirty dozen" list of the top emotional polluters: Disney, CBS, Hallmark, Dreamworks SKG, Windham Hill Records, Beanie Baby manufacturer Ty, and the Lifetime Network, all of which were cited for what the EPA report termed "abuses of the heart."

"We've found a tenfold increase in heartwarming over the last five centuries, with almost two-thirds taking place in the second half of the 1900s," EPA spokesperson Morris Wyler said. "At the current rate of warming, by 2010, the earth's polar hearts will melt, submerging the entire North American land mass in beautiful tears of joy."

Adorable figurines and stuffed animals loom over Los Angeles' sentiment-choked skyline.

Added Wyler: "Did you see the part in Titanic where Rose threw the Heart Of The Ocean necklace over the side of the boat? It was so wonderful I cried."

Alarmingly, the EPA report noted that the five heart-warmingest years on record have all occurred within the past 10 years. The warmest ever, 1995, coincided with the release of the film The Bridges Of Madison County and Vanessa Williams' Pocahontas theme song "Colors Of The Wind," as well as the tragic, deeply moving paralysis of Christopher Reeve in an equestrian accident.

EPA officials project that this year, with the one-year anniversary of Princess Diana's death, Barbra Streisand's discovery of true love at last, and Olivia Newton-John's courageous battle against breast cancer, will surpass 1995 as the worst yet.

"In the last 12 months, global heartwarming has created a hole 700 miles in diameter in the earth's protective cynicism layer," Wyler said. "That hole, located over Siberia, has grown 15 percent since last month's release of What Dreams May Come alone.

In an effort to address the problem of global heartwarming, U.S. Sen. Mike Dewine (R-OH) has proposed legislation setting strict limits on stirring orchestral passages, close-ups on tear-stained faces, and embossed script typestyles on book covers. The bill–strongly opposed by a host of Hollywood power players, including Steven Spielberg–would also prohibit zoom-in shots of backlit actors staring heavenward in wide-eyed, childlike wonderment.

Environmental experts contend that such legislative measures are not enough.

"No single law will make this problem go away," said James K. Raskin, president of the D.C.-based Environmental Policy Institute. "If we are to truly address this crisis, we need to radically alter the way we laugh and cry, the way we live and love."

"Clearly," Raskin continued, "the threat posed by global heartwarming is not limited to one specific group. It is a problem that touches us all–young and old, children of all ages. If we do not take serious steps to contain it, it will surely spell disaster for the entire family."

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