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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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E.P.T. Clarifies Pregnancy Tests Intended For Entertainment Purposes Only

TARRYTOWN, NY—In an effort to limit the company’s exposure to unwanted claims or potential liability, e.p.t. issued a statement Friday clarifying that their pregnancy tests are intended for entertainment purposes only. “We would like to make it perfectly clear to our customers that e.p.t. home pregnancy tests are just something fun to pass around at a party with friends, and the results should not be taken seriously,” read the statement from Prestige Brands, which went on to say that the pregnancy tests are purely novelty items designed to amuse and serve no practical purpose. “We encourage users to simply share some laughs while gathered around the test stick, which we want to reiterate should not be construed as a medical opinion of any sort, nor serve as a substitute for a visit to a licensed professional. Please refrain from making any decisions based off the use of our product, as we do not make any guarantees about the test’s accuracy.” According to sources, the press release came in the wake of similar statements from manufacturers of home STD and paternity tests.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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