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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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E.P.T. Clarifies Pregnancy Tests Intended For Entertainment Purposes Only

TARRYTOWN, NY—In an effort to limit the company’s exposure to unwanted claims or potential liability, e.p.t. issued a statement Friday clarifying that their pregnancy tests are intended for entertainment purposes only. “We would like to make it perfectly clear to our customers that e.p.t. home pregnancy tests are just something fun to pass around at a party with friends, and the results should not be taken seriously,” read the statement from Prestige Brands, which went on to say that the pregnancy tests are purely novelty items designed to amuse and serve no practical purpose. “We encourage users to simply share some laughs while gathered around the test stick, which we want to reiterate should not be construed as a medical opinion of any sort, nor serve as a substitute for a visit to a licensed professional. Please refrain from making any decisions based off the use of our product, as we do not make any guarantees about the test’s accuracy.” According to sources, the press release came in the wake of similar statements from manufacturers of home STD and paternity tests.

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