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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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E.P.T. Clarifies Pregnancy Tests Intended For Entertainment Purposes Only

TARRYTOWN, NY—In an effort to limit the company’s exposure to unwanted claims or potential liability, e.p.t. issued a statement Friday clarifying that their pregnancy tests are intended for entertainment purposes only. “We would like to make it perfectly clear to our customers that e.p.t. home pregnancy tests are just something fun to pass around at a party with friends, and the results should not be taken seriously,” read the statement from Prestige Brands, which went on to say that the pregnancy tests are purely novelty items designed to amuse and serve no practical purpose. “We encourage users to simply share some laughs while gathered around the test stick, which we want to reiterate should not be construed as a medical opinion of any sort, nor serve as a substitute for a visit to a licensed professional. Please refrain from making any decisions based off the use of our product, as we do not make any guarantees about the test’s accuracy.” According to sources, the press release came in the wake of similar statements from manufacturers of home STD and paternity tests.

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