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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Equifax Impressed By Hackers’ Ability To Ruin People’s Finances More Efficiently Than Company Can

ATLANTA—In the wake of a massive data breach that exposed the sensitive personal information of 143 million customers, executives from credit agency Equifax said Friday that they were impressed by the hackers’ ability to ruin people’s finances much more efficiently than their company can. “We’re truly amazed by the effectiveness and sheer speed with which the hackers wrecked so many Americans’ financial prospects—it usually takes us years to devastate someone with a bad credit score,” said awestruck Equifax CEO Richard Smith, noting that Equifax’s traditional process of slowly chipping away at a customer’s credit rating due to late payments on credit cards with arbitrarily raised interest rates or an inability to pay off subprime loans made them “practically a dinosaur” in comparison to cybercriminals who could wipe out someone’s financial standing in mere minutes. “It’s taken us a long time to get to the point where we can ensure that someone won’t ever get approved for a loan, can’t apply for a mortgage, or might not even qualify for basic car insurance, so it’s honestly humbling to see these hackers do it in just a few keystrokes. But we’re going to learn from this and use it to motivate us to sabotage people’s finances much more efficiently in the future.” At press time, Equifax announced it had laid off 80 percent of its workforce in favor of one Latvian hacker who could destroy millions of customers’ credit ratings overnight.

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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