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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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ER Doctor Excitedly Tells Wife He Got To Use Shock Paddle Thing Today

SHREVEPORT, LA—Unable to contain his enthusiasm as he burst through the front door, emergency room doctor Barry Henke excitedly told his wife Monday that he got to use those shock paddle things today. “You’ll never believe it, honey—I finally did that thing with those electric paddles at work!” said an ecstatic Henke, adding that he couldn’t have been more thrilled to order everyone to get out of the way as he rushed over to the patient while rubbing the shock doohickies together. “I’ve been wanting to play with those thingies since my first day, and I finally got to! I put them on the guy’s chest, yelled ‘Clear!’ and they went bzzzzzzzz just like they do on TV! Boy, I hope I can do it again soon!” Henke went on to say that it was the most fun he’s ever had on the job, even though the guy died.

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