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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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ER Doctor Excitedly Tells Wife He Got To Use Shock Paddle Thing Today

SHREVEPORT, LA—Unable to contain his enthusiasm as he burst through the front door, emergency room doctor Barry Henke excitedly told his wife Monday that he got to use those shock paddle things today. “You’ll never believe it, honey—I finally did that thing with those electric paddles at work!” said an ecstatic Henke, adding that he couldn’t have been more thrilled to order everyone to get out of the way as he rushed over to the patient while rubbing the shock doohickies together. “I’ve been wanting to play with those thingies since my first day, and I finally got to! I put them on the guy’s chest, yelled ‘Clear!’ and they went bzzzzzzzz just like they do on TV! Boy, I hope I can do it again soon!” Henke went on to say that it was the most fun he’s ever had on the job, even though the guy died.

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