ER Doctor Secretly Thinks Of Self As Ward's George Clooney

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Vol 38 Issue 03

Magazine Says You Have Sex And The City Fever

NEW YORK—According to the new issue of Us magazine, you, like the rest of the nation, are caught up in Sex And The City fever. "Everybody's abuzz about Miranda's baby, Carrie and Aidan's breakup, and Samantha's shocking flirtation with monogamy," stated the article, which also noted that everybody, yourself included, can't stop talking about Sex And The City star Sarah Jessica Parker's recent Golden Globe win. The article was accompanied by a sidebar containing several "spoiler" factoids for upcoming episodes, which it correctly guessed you would not want to read.

Comeback Much Harsher Than Insult

MANKATO, MN—A gentle prod elicited a disproportionately harsh retort Monday, when office wag Kenneth Adamle was loudly told by coworker Bryan Lemon that at least Lemon's wife didn't cheat on him with a floor-tile installer. "Holy shit, I just said he's putting on a bit of a spare tire," a stunned Adamle said after the exchange. "What's up his ass that he's bringing up my divorce?"

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Described To Sioux City Relatives

FL, attempted to convey the taste, texture, and general deliciousness of Krispy Kreme doughnuts to their Sioux City relatives. "They're doughnuts, but not, like, doughnut-doughnuts," Phillip told second cousin Jon Colangelo. "They're not like the cakey, Dunkin' Donuts kind, but more like, you know, the ones that are more like bread, only fried or glazed or something." Over the course of the next 10 minutes, Melissa cited nearly a dozen other popular pastries for comparative purposes, prompting Colangelo to express hope that a Krispy Kreme outlet would one day open in Sioux City.

French Teacher Forces Student To Inform Her Of Bathroom Fire In French

FRANKFORT, KY—Jenny Block, a Crestwood High School ninth-grader, attempted to tell French teacher Madame Shapiro about a fire in the girls' second-floor bathroom Monday, only to be ordered to speak French. "En française," Shapiro told the frantic, wildly gesticulating Block. "S'il ya un feu dans le WC, dites-moi dans la langue propre. D'accord?" Block then tried to say, "Allyson Dorner threw a lit cigarette in the garbage, and it burst into flames, and now there's a huge fire spreading all over the bathroom!" in French, but got stuck on the word for "threw."

The Enron Scandal

Enron, which went bankrupt amid charges of document shredding, shady accounting, and executive greed, is the subject of a House hearing. What do you think?

Take This Job And Love It

Yo, yo, yo, H-Dog is back in tha house, all-new an' luvvin' tha boos in tha '02, know what I'm sayin'? First off, big upz to tha whole Midstate Office Supply Accountz Reeceevable posse, who took top honaz at tha officewide holiday banquet foe Best Departmental Attendance of 2001. Aw, yeah, you know how we do.
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ER Doctor Secretly Thinks Of Self As Ward's George Clooney

KANSAS CITY, MO—Dr. Andrew Lassiter, a St. Luke's Medical Center emergency-room physician, secretly regards himself as the hospital's real-life equivalent to George Clooney's character on the hit NBC show ER. "He'd never admit it, but Andrew clearly thinks he's St. Luke's answer to Dr. Doug Ross," said triage nurse Paulette Wyndham. "He has this cocky swagger, and whenever women are around, he turns on what he seems to think is some kind of manly, roguish charm." Wyndham added that, with his diminutive stature, beady eyes, and bald head, Lassiter is more like Mercy's Dr. Romano.

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