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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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ER Doctor Secretly Thinks Of Self As Ward's George Clooney

KANSAS CITY, MO—Dr. Andrew Lassiter, a St. Luke's Medical Center emergency-room physician, secretly regards himself as the hospital's real-life equivalent to George Clooney's character on the hit NBC show ER. "He'd never admit it, but Andrew clearly thinks he's St. Luke's answer to Dr. Doug Ross," said triage nurse Paulette Wyndham. "He has this cocky swagger, and whenever women are around, he turns on what he seems to think is some kind of manly, roguish charm." Wyndham added that, with his diminutive stature, beady eyes, and bald head, Lassiter is more like Mercy's Dr. Romano.

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