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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Eric Cantor Pressuring Wife To Try New Political Position

WASHINGTON—House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) has reportedly been pressuring his wife to try new political positions, claiming the same old ones are getting stale after 24 years of marriage. “Come on, baby, let’s try a little pro-gun control, or maybe a little reverse pro-gun control, just to spice things up,” sources overheard Cantor saying to his wife Diana, right after suggesting that she might try getting in the mood by playing with her position by herself a bit before entering into passionate debate. “I’ll role-play a neoliberal who’s been naughty on security issues, and you’ll be a social-conservative minx who wants to deny hospital visitation rights for gay couples all night long. We’ll have a safe word so I can go back to being an ideologically inconsistent Republican if things get too intense.” Diana Cantor commented that while she supports her husband trying to keep the discourse fresh, she is too tired to try any new political positions tonight.

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