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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Eric Cantor Pressuring Wife To Try New Political Position

WASHINGTON—House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) has reportedly been pressuring his wife to try new political positions, claiming the same old ones are getting stale after 24 years of marriage. “Come on, baby, let’s try a little pro-gun control, or maybe a little reverse pro-gun control, just to spice things up,” sources overheard Cantor saying to his wife Diana, right after suggesting that she might try getting in the mood by playing with her position by herself a bit before entering into passionate debate. “I’ll role-play a neoliberal who’s been naughty on security issues, and you’ll be a social-conservative minx who wants to deny hospital visitation rights for gay couples all night long. We’ll have a safe word so I can go back to being an ideologically inconsistent Republican if things get too intense.” Diana Cantor commented that while she supports her husband trying to keep the discourse fresh, she is too tired to try any new political positions tonight.

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