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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Eric Clapton To Release New Album Inspired By Blues Music

LOS ANGELES—Musician Eric Clapton announced Wednesday that his next album, Eric Clapton Plays The Blues, would be a collection of songs primarily influenced by blues music, a genre the 66-year-old guitarist said he enjoys very much. "I've always been interested in blues music, and this album will really explore that interest," Clapton told reporters, explaining that many of the new songs would feature long blues guitar solos, repeating 12-bar-blues chord structures, and lyrical themes centered around both getting and continuing to have the blues. "I'm fairly confident about the project, as I plan to sing with a sort of forlorn, bluesy quality in my voice, and I'll be playing a lot of E, A, and B chords, along with all the blue notes of the scale. Just pure and simple blues, really." Clapton later admitted that while each track would definitely be inspired by blues music, the final product might actually be more of a blues-rock album.

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