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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Eric Clapton Wows Audience With Even Slower Version Of ‘Layla’

DULUTH, GA—Debuting yet another arrangement of the classic song Wednesday night, singer-guitarist Eric Clapton reportedly treated a sold-out crowd at the Gwinnett Center to an even slower, somehow mellower acoustic version of his original 1971 hit “Layla.” “When he played those first 45-second-long notes of the opening riff, that was when everyone recognized it as ‘Layla’ and just went nuts,” concertgoer Leslie Friedrich said of the 87-minute rendition, which according to listeners featured three eight-minute choruses and a half-hour jazzy piano interlude before concluding with a lengthy fadeout. “I heard those brushed drums and glacial tempo and my jaw dropped. I was like, ‘Wow, he actually managed to come up with a more lethargic and neutered acoustic jazz-blues version of “Layla” than ever before! How did he pull it off?’” Sources confirmed Clapton followed “Layla” up with a vigorous, electric double-time version of “Tears In Heaven.”

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