Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Eric Trump Scolds Father That He Mustn’t Inquire About The Businesses, For He’s Sworn Not To Tell

‘You Shan’t Ask Me About Our Shops, Papa, For I Am Forbidden To Say!’ Chides President’s Son

WASHINGTON—Saying he had solemnly sworn to never breathe a word concerning such affairs, Eric Trump scolded his father Friday that he mustn’t inquire about the businesses. “No, Papa, speaking of the shops is simply forbidden!” said the 33-year-old, telling his father that such gossiping about the company was most improper, and what’s more, that it simply would not do to betray the points of honor by discussing pecuniary goings-on. “Need I remind you that we have taken the most sacred of oaths upon this very matter? Why, what would dear grandpapa Frederick think if we were to violate them? So you see, dear father, I musn’t and I shan’t! Indeed, I will stop up my ears with wax before I entertain another syllable of this inquiry.” At press time, Trump had fled the room in distress, saying he must leave forthwith lest he hear one more question on this most vexing of topics.

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