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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Erik Spoelstra Under Impression Big 3 Will Take Pay Cut To Keep Playing Under Him

MIAMI—As his trio of star players must soon decide whether to stay with the Miami Heat or test free agency, head coach Erik Spoelstra expressed confidence Friday that the team’s “Big Three” of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh would opt to take a pay cut in order to continue playing under him. “It’s about more than the bottom line for these guys—they want to play on a championship team with a championship coach,” Spoelstra told reporters, noting that while James, Wade, and Bosh could theoretically pursue a higher payday with other NBA franchises, only in Miami can they be mentored by a future Hall of Fame coach such as himself. “LeBron, Dwyane, and Chris all understand that playing for me represents an opportunity they’re not going to get anywhere else in this league, and that’s more important than any paycheck. If they stay, it’s because they want a few more rings and the chance to join me in the record books. It’s a pretty clear-cut choice, if you ask me.” Spoelstra added that the Big Three’s decision to remain with the Heat would only be made more attractive by the team’s potential offseason addition of Carmelo Anthony, who, given the caliber of coach he would be playing for, would happily sign for the league minimum.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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