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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Erik Spoelstra Under Impression Big 3 Will Take Pay Cut To Keep Playing Under Him

MIAMI—As his trio of star players must soon decide whether to stay with the Miami Heat or test free agency, head coach Erik Spoelstra expressed confidence Friday that the team’s “Big Three” of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh would opt to take a pay cut in order to continue playing under him. “It’s about more than the bottom line for these guys—they want to play on a championship team with a championship coach,” Spoelstra told reporters, noting that while James, Wade, and Bosh could theoretically pursue a higher payday with other NBA franchises, only in Miami can they be mentored by a future Hall of Fame coach such as himself. “LeBron, Dwyane, and Chris all understand that playing for me represents an opportunity they’re not going to get anywhere else in this league, and that’s more important than any paycheck. If they stay, it’s because they want a few more rings and the chance to join me in the record books. It’s a pretty clear-cut choice, if you ask me.” Spoelstra added that the Big Three’s decision to remain with the Heat would only be made more attractive by the team’s potential offseason addition of Carmelo Anthony, who, given the caliber of coach he would be playing for, would happily sign for the league minimum.

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