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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Ernie Els Missing After Entering Woods To Find Golf Ball

TUCSON—South African golfer Ernie Els followed an errant golf ball into the scrub woods of the Dove Mountain course rough Wednesday during the Accenture Match Play tournament and has now been missing for over 36 hours, PGA officials have announced. "Els went too long on the fifth hole and struck his ball into a dense stand of sage, creosote tree, and saguaro cactus from which both Els and his ball have yet to emerge," the PGA's Ana Laird told reporters, struggling to be heard over the drone of rescue helicopters combing the brush. "We are unsure if Els was carrying water, matches, or any of the survival equipment the PGA recommends our golfers take into the rough as a matter of routine, but we stress that he will not be in danger until 96 hours have passed, and will only be assessed a three-stroke penalty." Though no sign of Els has been found, rescuers investigating circling buzzards over the sand trap on the par 4 dogleg-right sixth hole fairway have found what they believe to be the desiccated remains of John Daly.

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