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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Ernie Els Missing After Entering Woods To Find Golf Ball

TUCSON—South African golfer Ernie Els followed an errant golf ball into the scrub woods of the Dove Mountain course rough Wednesday during the Accenture Match Play tournament and has now been missing for over 36 hours, PGA officials have announced. "Els went too long on the fifth hole and struck his ball into a dense stand of sage, creosote tree, and saguaro cactus from which both Els and his ball have yet to emerge," the PGA's Ana Laird told reporters, struggling to be heard over the drone of rescue helicopters combing the brush. "We are unsure if Els was carrying water, matches, or any of the survival equipment the PGA recommends our golfers take into the rough as a matter of routine, but we stress that he will not be in danger until 96 hours have passed, and will only be assessed a three-stroke penalty." Though no sign of Els has been found, rescuers investigating circling buzzards over the sand trap on the par 4 dogleg-right sixth hole fairway have found what they believe to be the desiccated remains of John Daly.

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