MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice.
BRISTOL, CT—Current and former anchors of the ESPN sports-highlight show SportsCenter have come forward of their own free will to announce that they have all had "romantic, but utterly innocent" feelings for fellow anchor Linda Cohn since her hiring in 1992. "Anchors are only human, after all, and face it—Linda's funny, smart, strikingly attractive, and has amazing presence," said Keith Olbermann, SportsCenter anchor from 1992 to 1997, who, as spokesman for the group, stressed that nothing ever came of any of the more than 30 recorded crushes. "I mean, I didn't have it as bad as, say, Kenny Mayne, but come on—I'm neither blind nor an idiot." Cohn has yet to respond to either Olbermann's comments or the handwritten statement signed by almost every one of her former co-anchors, including Olbermann, Mayne, Stuart Scott, Charlie Steiner, and Suzy Kolber.