adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

ESPN Draft Butcher Breaks Down 2011 Draft's Top Running Back Into Roasts, Steaks

NEW YORK—In a new segment during Thursday's 2011 NFL Draft broadcast, ESPN draft butcher Donnie Stoeger evaluated running back Mark Ingram by breaking down the Alabama star into rib roasts, filet mignon, T-bone steak, and strip loin. "I really like how this Ingram kid looks—tender, lean, but with good marbling, nice filets," said Stoeger, adding that for a late first-round pick Ingram would definitely provide a team with jaw-dropping cuts of meat. "I'm not impressed with the consistency of Virginia Tech's Ryan Williams, though. He's the kind of back I'd used sparingly for ground chuck. I do think, however, that someone should snag John Clay in the fourth round, put him in the freezer, and thaw him out later in the season when it gets colder and a team wants something hearty and strong to stew up." The ESPN draft butcher later fed host Chris Berman some sausage made from California running back Shane Vereen.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close