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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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ESPN Gives On-Air Personalities List Of 6 Pre-Approved Opinions

BRISTOL, CT—Following the network’s three-week suspension of analyst Bill Simmons over comments regarding NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, ESPN reportedly sent all on-air personalities a comprehensive list Wednesday of the six pre-approved opinions they may express during broadcasts. “Effective immediately, all on-air talent will be restricted to voicing only the half-dozen sports-related viewpoints officially authorized and endorsed by ESPN,” read the internal company memo, advising all employees to adhere strictly to the new protocol or risk punishment and possible termination. “The network-sanctioned opinions are as follows: 1. The NFL has become a passing league; 2. LeBron James is a great basketball player; 3. The sport of soccer is growing in the United States; 4. Peyton Manning is a future first-ballot Hall of Famer; 5. Rory McIlroy is the new face of golf; 6. The MLB playoffs are incredibly exciting. Thank you for your cooperation.” At press time, ESPN had reportedly revised the list to three opinions after receiving feedback from the NFL front office.

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