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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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ESPN Green-Lights 'The Decision' For 22 More Episodes

BRISTOL, CT—ESPN president George Bodenheimer announced Wednesday that the hour-long program The Decision, a melodrama about NBA superstar LeBron James declaring his intention to join the Miami Heat, has been green-lighted for an additional 22 episodes. "The pilot episode was obviously very gripping, as nearly 10 million people tuned in, but the series is going to have an expanded cast of characters and mostly take place on South Beach," Bodenheimer said. "Viewers will be captivated by how the decision affects LeBron as well as by a number of new decisions he'll have to make every week, like whether or not to save a drowning fan, apply suntan lotion to David Stern's back, or let one of his teammates chase down a loose ball. And don't worry, just like in the original, each episode will feature an hour of LeBron sitting on his stool and answering questions posed by a different guest star." Bodenheimer, who called The Decision daring and innovative, confirmed that either Chris Bosh or Dwyane Wade will likely be killed off in the season finale.

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