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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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ESPN Holds ‘SportsCenter’ Of Silence For Tom Brady

BRISTOL, CTCable sports network ESPN aired a special hour-long SportsCenter of silence yesterday from 11 p.m. to 12 a.m. in honor of recently fallen New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady.

The solemn event mainly featured anchors Scott Van Pelt and Neil Everett gazing directly ahead in sober reflection, though periodically the camera would cut to individual shots of the anchors, both of whom had identical headshots of a smiling Tom Brady positioned over their left shoulders. According to sources, the only sounds that could be heard during the 60-minute memoriam were a few audible sighs, the periodic swallows of crewpeople and anchors trying vainly to hold back tears, and the somewhat muted voice of analyst Steven A. Smith filming a segment about NBA training camp in a studio three floors above. The episode was ESPN's highest-rated broadcast since October of 1999, when anchor Kenny Mayne did an entire episode of SportsCenter in complete silence for reasons that remain unclear.

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