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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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ESPN Holds ‘SportsCenter’ Of Silence For Tom Brady

BRISTOL, CTCable sports network ESPN aired a special hour-long SportsCenter of silence yesterday from 11 p.m. to 12 a.m. in honor of recently fallen New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady.

The solemn event mainly featured anchors Scott Van Pelt and Neil Everett gazing directly ahead in sober reflection, though periodically the camera would cut to individual shots of the anchors, both of whom had identical headshots of a smiling Tom Brady positioned over their left shoulders. According to sources, the only sounds that could be heard during the 60-minute memoriam were a few audible sighs, the periodic swallows of crewpeople and anchors trying vainly to hold back tears, and the somewhat muted voice of analyst Steven A. Smith filming a segment about NBA training camp in a studio three floors above. The episode was ESPN's highest-rated broadcast since October of 1999, when anchor Kenny Mayne did an entire episode of SportsCenter in complete silence for reasons that remain unclear.

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