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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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ESPN Interrupts Drew Bledsoe's Retirement Speech To Air Commercials

DALLAS— Though ESPN intended to broadcast Drew Bledsoe's entire retirement speech last Wednesday, the sports network cut away from the veteran quarterback's press conference in order to air commercials for electronics retail giant Circuit City, Sprint, and the new Honda Accord. "I have learned a lot in my 14 years in this great league, but the one thing that always stuck with me, no matter how difficult it got out there, was…" said Bledsoe before the network aired the two-minute block of advertisements, after which they cut back to Bledsoe's concluding statement. "…Only wish I could have played a lot better. Thanks." ESPN then interrupted the proceeding question-and-answer session with more commercials from Chrysler, Zip-Car, and, for viewers in the Pittsburgh area, a local commercial for attorney Edgar Snyder.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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