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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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ESPN Interrupts Drew Bledsoe's Retirement Speech To Air Commercials

DALLAS— Though ESPN intended to broadcast Drew Bledsoe's entire retirement speech last Wednesday, the sports network cut away from the veteran quarterback's press conference in order to air commercials for electronics retail giant Circuit City, Sprint, and the new Honda Accord. "I have learned a lot in my 14 years in this great league, but the one thing that always stuck with me, no matter how difficult it got out there, was…" said Bledsoe before the network aired the two-minute block of advertisements, after which they cut back to Bledsoe's concluding statement. "…Only wish I could have played a lot better. Thanks." ESPN then interrupted the proceeding question-and-answer session with more commercials from Chrysler, Zip-Car, and, for viewers in the Pittsburgh area, a local commercial for attorney Edgar Snyder.

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