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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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ESPN Now Allowing Second-Year Anchors To Live Off Campus

BRISTOL, CT—Reversing a long-held policy requiring their younger television personalities to reside at the network’s sprawling 123-acre headquarters, ESPN announced Wednesday that second-year anchors will now be allowed to live in approved off-campus housing. “It’s just nice to have a little freedom without having any senior producers breathing down your neck all the time,” said sportscaster Jaymee Sire, adding that while she will miss ESPN’s campus meal plan, she’s excited to get a place with several close friends she met during her first year on the SportsCenter set. “The off-campus apartments are kind of dumpy, but it’ll be great not having so many rules. And this way I can finally have a guy stay overnight without having to worry about signing him in first.” At press time, Sire was excitedly choosing an outfit after receiving an invitation to a big kegger at Ed Werner and Bob Ley’s place.

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