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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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ESPN Praised For Gutsy Performance In Promoting Dolphins-Steelers Matchup

BRISTOL, CT—The advertising, promotions, and publicity departments of cable sports network ESPN are being lauded for refusing to simply give up on attempting to promote the upcoming lackluster Miami-Pittsburgh Monday night matchup, instead turning in what some are calling a "championship-game level of hype." "Our business is all about blowing things out of proportion, but rarely do we see a game as one-sided as this given this kind of dedication," said Advertising Age columnist Alan Quensbury. "Talk about turd-polishing… I'm in awe. My mind says it'll be hard for Steeler fans to stay awake through the blowout, but the ESPN people have made me believe it'll be one for the ages." ESPN promotions personnel have responded to the praise by saying they were  "just doing their jobs" and that they will issue a full statement of thanks after "Monday night's classic clash of tradition-rich AFC powerhouses."

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