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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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ESPN Praised For Gutsy Performance In Promoting Dolphins-Steelers Matchup

BRISTOL, CT—The advertising, promotions, and publicity departments of cable sports network ESPN are being lauded for refusing to simply give up on attempting to promote the upcoming lackluster Miami-Pittsburgh Monday night matchup, instead turning in what some are calling a "championship-game level of hype." "Our business is all about blowing things out of proportion, but rarely do we see a game as one-sided as this given this kind of dedication," said Advertising Age columnist Alan Quensbury. "Talk about turd-polishing… I'm in awe. My mind says it'll be hard for Steeler fans to stay awake through the blowout, but the ESPN people have made me believe it'll be one for the ages." ESPN promotions personnel have responded to the praise by saying they were  "just doing their jobs" and that they will issue a full statement of thanks after "Monday night's classic clash of tradition-rich AFC powerhouses."

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