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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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ESPN Praised For Gutsy Performance In Promoting Dolphins-Steelers Matchup

BRISTOL, CT—The advertising, promotions, and publicity departments of cable sports network ESPN are being lauded for refusing to simply give up on attempting to promote the upcoming lackluster Miami-Pittsburgh Monday night matchup, instead turning in what some are calling a "championship-game level of hype." "Our business is all about blowing things out of proportion, but rarely do we see a game as one-sided as this given this kind of dedication," said Advertising Age columnist Alan Quensbury. "Talk about turd-polishing… I'm in awe. My mind says it'll be hard for Steeler fans to stay awake through the blowout, but the ESPN people have made me believe it'll be one for the ages." ESPN promotions personnel have responded to the praise by saying they were  "just doing their jobs" and that they will issue a full statement of thanks after "Monday night's classic clash of tradition-rich AFC powerhouses."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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