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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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ESPN Searching For A Few Loud-Mouthed Fucks For New Afternoon Program

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the program will further strengthen their afternoon lineup, officials at ESPN announced Monday that the network has started searching for a few loud-mouthed fucks to host a new sports talk show. “We’re looking for three, maybe four absolutely reprehensible, know-it-all fucks to sit around a table and share their idiotic opinions about the day’s biggest sports stories,” said ESPN’s vice president of original programming Jamie Horowitz, adding that ideally, the obnoxious, pig-headed pieces of shit will be a mix of annoying national sports columnists, repulsive former athletes, and one prick from Boston. “We’ll just throw some bullshit on one side of the screen while our panel of arrogant fucking assholes scream at each other. The whole debate—if you can even call it that—will be moderated by either another loud-mouthed fuck or an attractive female broadcaster. We feel this show will really complement our other programs on ESPN and perform particularly well in the 4 p.m. time slot.” At press time, ESPN confirmed that producers had started narrowing down their initial pool of 14,000 potential candidates for the show.

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